~ God told me to be an artist, week 20.
Friday 21st April, 2023.
I'm on holiday! Woohoo! The beauty of blog scheduling means I actually wrote this a couple of days ago and now I'm relaxing in sunny Spain!
This holiday could not have come at a better time, my sciatica has flared up somewhat rotten and being warmer, eating well and being in a different place is exactly what I need. I've been in a fair amount of pain and walking around with a limp for a couple of weeks now and I'm getting pretty tired of it honestly! Although I'm really good at making jokes and getting through the day with a smile, the pain really started to get me down at the beginning of this week. It's not so much that it hurts, although it does, it's more that I'm only 32 but my bones and nerves make me feel like I'm 82. I can't seem to shake the thought that at this age I shouldn't feel like this.
Have you ever had chronic pain, an injury or something similar? It's totally consuming, almost as if it becomes your identity for a while. I feel myself talking about it even when I don't want to. A voice in my head says shut up shut up shut up, stop talking about it, but my mouth keeps running as if separate from my body. It's headline news everyday and I can't seem to kill the story.
So earlier this week I decided to retreat a bit. I moved a lot slower and tried to keep my mind occupied whilst giving my sore leg some respite. I thought it could be a good time to continue designing some of my new pieces for an exhibition I've got coming up. I almost got excited at the thought of making work from bed like Frida Kahlo [my queen], but so much of my energy and focus disappeared. All I ended up wanting to do was potter around the house and yard, do menial tasks in between long bouts of rest and gentle exercise.
I did the things I absolutely needed to do for work, but spent a lot of time wanting to be still and really disconnect from everything. On the back of a few hectic weeks, even though they've been arty and wonderful, I've really needed this recovery time. Time to recuperate was something I thought I only needed before because I was pushing myself too hard in the wrong job. Turns out I need it no matter how aligned or in purpose I feel. The current condition of my body and mind needs a particular pace no matter what I'm pursuing.
Pace is something that I seem to get wrong no matter what I'm doing it seems. Even though I feel like I'm finally in the right lane, I still do it at the incorrect speed, without building in time to pause and gather myself in between big pushes. It's surprised and irritated me, I thought the sciatica/ back back season of my life was over, but apparently it's not. I was convinced my back would give out because I was running in the wrong direction at the wrong speed, getting my body and mind all confused, out of sync and hurting myself in the process.
It appears that wasn't entirely true. I feel that I am running in the right direction for the first time in my whole life and I've still ended up in pain. What gives?
These last few days as I've been moving a little slower I've been thinking a lot about the pace of all that's ahead of me. It's not often you get a moment to stand still and look at the road that is unfolding ahead of you. I've been wondering a lot about how I'm going to be all God's called me to be if my body can't keep up. If I'm 32 going on 82 how am I going to move through the creative endeavours I believe are up ahead? And on top of that, how am I going to tackle to unknowns that are coming, because you know God's sending me some of those?
It's all started to feel a bit like a lost cause. What do you do when your body can't take your calling?
As this question has swirled around my brain this week, I've felt pretty paralysed. I really don't know how I'm going to fulfill purpose healthily and with strength if I can't bend down to tie my shoes without wincing because of this hellish sciatica! I physically can't walk or sleep properly, and the last time I had a flare up it lasted 3 months. That's 12 weeks, that's a long time! The pit I feel like I had climbed out of seems to be presenting itself again, just waiting for me to trip and fall in.
The descent into the pit is an interesting thing because you can be pretty far into it before you realise, but this time I caught on quickly that I was beginning to spiral and thought no, not this time.
Yes I'm fed up.
Yes, I'm in pain.
Yes, I don't know how my body is going to handle my calling.
Yes, this physical discomfort could last a while.
But I know this, I have to try and move through this. I can't give up now.
Being an artist is a journey of becoming, so is being a christian. It's not perfection, it's progression, and I've come so far since last year, I've taken some big leaps of faith and heard God's voice in so many wonderful, challenging and life altering ways. I just can't tap out now just because I feel sciatica has me pinned.
This too shall pass, the pain will go eventually and if I look back at the last time I managed a chronic pain season I can learn from all the things I did wrong. I remember stubbornly forcing my body keep going, eating only comfort foods for weeks on end to try and feel better. I did more of what hurt me instead of less, all in the name of treating myself since I was in such a sorry state.
Not this time.
This time, I'm thinking about what foods and drinks will be good for my body, what could help it heal. Sure I'm going to have treats, but not everyday or every meal time. They'll be what they're supposed to be, treats! I'm going to continue moving slowly when I need to and giving my body the gentle movement and restorative time that it needs. I'm going to bury myself in worship music on those days when I just can't get motivated. And yes, some days I will flop, and some days I will want to give up, the pain will be awful sometimes. But, this time I know I've got to try.
It's surprised me just how different following God's calling has been in comparison to when I was trying to do everything in my own strength. It's like a world of opposites.
I used to want to steam roll through everything, feeding my body convenient snacks that would give me a burst of energy to keep going. God's asked me to slow down, to rethink my eating habits and exercise choices.
I used to think saying yes and being constantly available was the way to make it, God has asked me to disconnect and say no to a lot of things.
And finally I used to think I needed to be the best, God's asking me to relinquish that need for external approval and to step into my own lane where the only glory is to be given to him.
You wouldn't think a creative calling would result in an inventory of the entire way you live your life, but that's the difference between a job and a calling I guess. The way I looked at jobs before was through the lens of what I could get, achieve or how I would come across to others. God's calling isn't about me at all, but how the gifts God has given me can be used in his kingdom and for his world. It's about others. There's a lot more at stake, so a bigger internal process and transformation needs to happen!
So in order to be ready or able to step into a calling it makes sense that God needs to help me work through all the areas of my life that aren't contributing well to the mission, to my life's purpose. And right now it seems like I'm in the assessment of the physical/ bodily health portion of my life.
When I think of it this way the pain I am feeling right now isn't so bad. It's pretty awful in of itself but it's pointing me to look at how I can care for my vessel better. I don't think God caused the pain, but I do believe he's using my time going through it to show me some things that will help me be a better artist for his kingdom going forward.
So I guess I need to breathe deeply, and take it one step at a time. In prayer and in his word he will show me what to do.
What a process. Only possible with God's help.
Don't be surprised if God answers your questions and heals you in ways that seem to make little sense, he can see the bigger picture, we can't.
See you next week, Cath x
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