~ God told me to be an artist, week 9.
Friday 27th January .
Hello, it's that time again, it's blog time! it comes around quickly doesn't it? It's becoming my favourite part of the week, something I didn't expect to bring me so much joy. Each entry establishes its place on the timeline of this new and completely overwhelming season. One that I know God is firmly in the centre of, thank goodness.
It's pretty cool, despite the terror of unknown and constant convictions from the Holy Spirit that take me by surprise, but jokes aside I am astounded at the faithfulness of God in all of it.
After many weeks of what has felt a slow loosing of my mind, this week has been a homecoming. A returning to the equilibrium I thought I'd lost, some balance and grounding has returned. Perhaps it's not a homecoming however as it is most definitely fresh soil, new ground being broken in with every step.
So maybe it's an inhabiting of a new home? A new home coming?
I remember when I moved into the house I currently live in. I was so excited thinking about how I would change it, where all my stuff would go and had such hope for the future that this could be a base for me. I thought, that's it, I'm a homeowner, this will all be easier now there's no fear of crummy landlords or the constant cycle of change that comes with renting. I stepped into my home and believed, this will be a place of peace , comfort and safety. It has been those things, but in reality it's also been a real challenge. Owning and having responsibility for your own home is much more grown up and difficult than I ever imagined.
Things break, like all the time! I've had to negotiate adjustments, ask for help financing unexpected bills. I had to manage an increase in essential living costs and reduce social engagements massively in order to cover this. I've had to manage disappointments, new relationships, workmen, disruption and much more unknown than I would've liked.
Overall, it's cost me. Although it has been a huge blessing to own a home it has been a ginormous learning and growing experience, one I'm still on for sure. It's confronted me hugely with how I manage my money and how as a self employed person I need to steward the responsibility of the resource God graciously gives me better.
Much like my house and all the lessons it has brought (and continues to bring), this season in my personal and professional like has been a costly process. I've had to give things up. I've been confronted with some of the dark parts of my heart. The way I relate to my finances has been greatly contested and God's been asking me to give more now that I have less. I've had a scarcity mindset when it comes to money for as long as I can remember so this has been unbelievably uncomfortable. Honestly, I've fought him on it all the way, but in his kindness he returns me to the same lessons until I understand the wider purpose of the training.
I feel like I'm in bootcamp and for the first 7-8 weeks of this step into being an artist, I wasn't sure I was going to make it. My weaknesses became all too clear and I was terrified I would fail. More than that, I felt like I was already failing.
Here's the thing though, in my weakness, He is strong! Hallelujah. God was never asking me to be the strongest, but to know that He is. This pruning may feel painful, like I'm being cut back right to the bare bones, but that this is what is needed for me to advance to the next stage of my purpose. There are some things in my heart, patterns and life that can't come to the next level. I need to leave them behind.
I won't deny this pruning process has felt long. Since I was saved in 2018 it's felt like a continuous stream of lessons. One thing after another that I need to confront, grow or change. It's exhausting and at times completely infuriating. I've begged God to stop it at times, but then I ask him to move me into purpose. It can't be both ways, I can't stop learning and cultivating better habits and still move into purpose. I've needed to wade through this trench and venture into what feels dangerous in order to expand internally. I promise you this, I'll be learning for the rest of my life, the work isn't done, however I am not where I was and I am looking ahead to what He has for me next.
The acceptance of the journey and knowing that ultimately it is for my good and his glory is where I've found the peace, the re-established equilibrium, the having my feet back on the ground. The difference is they are now planted on holy ground, a firm foundation, not sinking sand or treacle. I'm not stuck and I'm not sinking, I'm able to move forward and it's just a new environment that I am traversing. Like anything new, it takes a bit of getting used to.
Another hugely encouraging feeling this week has been a powerful sense that breakthrough is coming. I feel like I'm reading it, seeing it and thinking about it everywhere I go. It's in my spirit in a big way. I love how the Holy Spirit does this, he places a consistent feeling in my body and soul, so strong that I know that I can trust it. I cannot wait to see what lies ahead, and I know this will sustain me as I keep navigating the unknown. His spirit won't leave me and will continue to whisper at every turn so I remain on the solid ground.
To close out this week I'll explain the image for this week's blog. It was Christmas 2022, I was stood in Liverpool Cathedral during a light installation show. I walked through one of the corridors, blue and white with words covering the walls and filling the space with a sense of wonder. As I walked through the I felt engulfed by a fresh wind, a colourful and new expression of hope. It washed over me and I felt safe and afraid all at once. I had made the decision to be an artist at this point and was nervous about what the future might bring, but for a moment, bathed in this poetry of light, colour, words and sound I felt a peace.
I knew that God was with me.
And I know that he is now.
See you next week, Cath x
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