~ God told me to be an artist, week 48.
Friday 24th November, 2023.
So what is an underskill? Well it's not technically a word, it's not in the dictionary [I don't think]. But it's a term I assign to areas of my life, most often in my art practice, that are underdeveloped. Basically what is says on the tin, it's a skill that fairly low level in it's development. It's below where I want it to be.
It's fascinating to me that as I feel more aligned in my work as an artist and increasingly as if I am finding my lane, even on the hard days, areas of underskill are becoming more visible. As new corners are turned, other things come more into focus. As I begin to work with more people, organisations and institutions the breadth of the work I am offered is expanding. I am more known for delivering accessible collage workshops, but over the past couple of years other types of creative offering have been requested of me, the more I do, the more gets offered. It's a bit of a snowball affect really.
It all sounds pretty wonderful doesn't it, and don't get me wrong I am incredibly grateful for everything I get to do. But. And it's a big but. I'm having to step out of my collage comfort zone and increasingly into new or newer areas of practice. It's a weird tension because I love many different types of art and art-making but collage is the place I know I can riff, freestyle, answer questions, be somewhat confident in how I present it to people. In other words, it's my thing. But, here's that but again. As nice as it is having a thing, it can cause you [I mean me] to hyperfocus and leave some other areas less attended to.
Writing is one area that has revealed itself as an under skilled one for me whilst simultaneously being something that someone has now commissioned me to do. It's a project I can't fully share yet but an individual in the collage community [whom I greatly admire] is interested in my voice and thoughts on a certain project, hence why she has commissioned me to do some writing.
It's been a bigger moment and harder experience than I imagined. Initially I was SUPER excited to get to write about several things that matter to me but the excitement waned as soon as I realised, oh crap, I may not be skilled enough to do this.
The issue is, as creatives we generally have specialisms, and the standard to which we deliver our specialisms can then form the standard to which we hold ourselves when delivering everything else. Basically, I expect myself as a perfectionist in recovery, to deliver all my projects with excellence when realistically that's not a reasonable expectation.
I have been making collage long before it became something that made money, it's grown in seasons where little to no expectation was placed upon it. It was just allowed to blossom into anything I wanted it to be. I allowed it instead of pressuring it. So how could I possibly expect myself to feel the same ability and confidence with my writing ability, it hasn't been going anywhere near as long and fairly early on in its life I am producing it for someone who is paying me. You can see it's a very different origin story, it's not realistic to expect the levels of each to be the same.
Another thought that struck me this week is my allowance for failure and play when it comes to collage. I regularly try things that I don't end up selling, using, showing or exhibiting but I still value the time spent creating them as part of the process. I honour their role in the wider picture of it all. This is perhaps a fairly crucial and missing piece in many other areas of my creative practice.
Simply put I just don't think I have the same grace for the different streams of my work and life and perhaps that needs to change. I'm conscious that I don't want developing grace for all areas of work to become a new standard I have to achieve a certain way and then use this process as a measuring stick by which to measure new failures [all the perfectionists in the room say what!] . I just want to allow these new areas with same gentleness and integration that I do collage.
Cut and paste feels like a comfort, an old friend, a confidant and a home. I'd like the other areas of my creative practice to eventually feel like that so here starts the beginning of allowing.
Allowing to me is not a passive state. It is active and focuses on what can develop, grow and become but it mirrors nature's process of growth as opposed to our human one. It's seasonal and working towards blooming, with different plants at different speeds without shame, guilt or reprimand. It's allowing things to bloom in their time and not feeling lost if some things just don't work out this time. There's a season for everything and it is always possible to try again.
For example I grew several vegetable plants this year and some where super successful and others weren't. I followed all the instructions for everything but some just didn't thrive. I asked my grandma about it and she said, sometimes plants just don't grow like you expect and you just have to try again next season. I loved this, and I think this is allowing that I'm trying to integrate. When my mini chilli plant just didn't thrive I didn't curse it or myself. I just decided to try growing another one next season. It's not giving up, it's moving forward, but just in a way that honours the process of trying whilst simultaneously holding onto the hope of what could happen next time.
It's allowing.
So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go against every perfectionist bone in my body and honour the process I am experiencing in a few areas of underskill. I'm going to prioritise evolving over achieving and undoubtedly keep tripping up along the way.
But the falls are not failure they're just an part of the process.
*breathes in deeply knowing this allowing will be a challenge.*
*exhales knowing that this creative journey no matter how hard is God's purpose for me and he will not leave me to do it all alone.*
See you next week, Cath x
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