~ God told me to be an artist, weeks 63 & 64.
Friday 22nd March, 2024.
Ever had that urge to make something? Anything? I'm not just talking about art, could be a cake, your bed, anything.
I get this call often. Best way I can explain it is as this growing inner call to potter around and occupy my hands. It's a feeling that I've always known, it's familiar. It's a call to create that was placed inside me on purpose I think.
It all sounds rather lovely doesn't it, a sense of purpose, a creative catapult buried within in.
How romantic and rosy-eyed.
But unfortunately there is an issue at the moment. I can hear the call, loud and clear, but I'm tired. Like super super tired.
Like coffee won't touch the sides tired.
My brain is sore and my spirit a little limp so how do I get making?
Life outside of art & work is a little loud right now so even though I want to make something I'm not sure where to pull energy from. This persistent fatigue creates an additional concern that I won't make something beautiful. For some reason this really seems to linger in my thoughts at the moment.
The art therapist inside me says, "being perfect is not what art making is about", but if I'm truly honest, if I make some artworks right now, I want them to be beautiful, I want them to look good.
I want to feel good about my making.
When I'm a little fried, the feeling of a job well done can be a real boost. The reason being, when I am drained, the kinder voice in my head gets quieter and the harsher one starts to scream.
When my defences are down, the ability to give myself a break is really hard.
Can you relate?
Being sleepy can be a big barrier to connecting with art making, in my experience anyhow. The fear that I won't be able to make something 'good' causes me to stop before I've even started.
So there's a couple of things going on really. Internal resources are low, critique of self is high and I have a constant call internally to make something that I don't know how to answer.
I'm stuck in the middle of not knowing where to start.
But I've got to do something. I can't stay in procrastination. I know that will hurt me most of all in the end.
Thinking...thinking...thinking.
To help my tired brain I'm going right back to basics. I'm asking myself, what is it about making art that speaks to me and helps me?
--- goes away and asks self this question---
After thinking about it for a while, I realised it's the break it gives my brain. Right up until I start making my brain is running at it's usual rate, a million miles an hour, even when I'm tired.
I can't imagine it operating in any other way. That's the norm for me, a busy brain and when it goes into overdrive my body gets tired.
The absolute best thing for my overrun mind would be to make some art, but ironically the tiredness from existing as I do convinces me I won't be able to.
The short answer is then to find a way to disrupt this pattern/way of living in order to introduce some gentle making. To find a starting point.
Sounds simple right?
Funnily enough I think it'll be a challenge. It feels that way anyhow.
I'd love to say one day it'll just click and I'll have this deeply transforming experience in my studio and everything will just be dandy but realistically it likely won't be.
So I've decided to take a different approach, one that reduces my self imposing 'lack of producing' shame and simplifies my connection and relationship to art making.
I've decided that I'm not rushing.
You heard it here first, Cath Rogers is not rushing.
Instead of obsessing over what I 'should' be doing [that generally causes me to act rashly] I am just not rushing.
I'm taking time to listen to what my body and mind really wants to do and I'm taking notes and doodling about it all in my notebook. Not doing the things, just recording the things. Letting them out of my brain without rushing straight into action.
I'm allowing my passing thoughts and feelings to create a mind map in my journal. I'm allowing this mind map to become and show what it is that my insides are really calling for.
Then I'm revisiting these scribbles to see if I can make any sense of them.
Funnily enough, I'm already gleaning a lot from this process.
This is what I've discovered so far...
I want to experience the feeling of being messy, more specifically to allow myself to create some mess without worrying about it [I'm quite weird about everything being clean usually].
And I want to do something a bit different, I want to experiment.
These two things - mess and experimentation - I wouldn't have identified had I not been journalling weird and random thoughts.
So that's my starting point.
I'm going to find a way to bring both of these things into an experience of artmaking. I'm thinking of doing a class or workshop so I can let loose and be in a new space, one that wil be set up for me, meaning I can really check out and just make.
I'll let you know how it goes.
One thing I understand is that sometimes it's just not clear how to exercise my creative muscles, but that's okay, as long I don't give up on the idea that it could help because previous experience reminds me that it can be an incredibly healing, peaceful and life giving place for me.
I'm starting to see that I don't need all the answers or a big rush of action. Sometimes it's just about finding a starting point, and thanks to journaling for a couple of weeks I now have one.
One day and one step at a time.
If you ever need to find your starting line, especially when you're tired and life is loud or hard, journal.
It is so simple and so unbelievably helpful. A little private place to converse your way through something and find your next step.
I'm going to keep going with it and see what else may emerge.
See you next week, Cath x
Comments