~ God told me to be an artist, week 27.
Friday 9th June, 2023.
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*Disclaimer, this blog contains a few pictures of [what I consider] scary monsters. I am a bit of a wimp, so you may not find them scary at all, but I thought I should let you know in case. If you hate clowns or ventriloquism dolls, look away now.
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Does anyone remember watching that program in the 90's, Are You Afraid of the Dark? It was horrifying! As a pretty big scaredy cat I found it completely intolerable, but everyone at school was talking about it so I had to suffer through a few episodes just to be part of the conversation. Darn peer pressure.
The show was basically a group of kids being terrified by each other's horror stories around a campfire. As the viewer we would be watching the story acted out as if it were happening, as opposed to the teenager delivering the plot around the campfire. The stories would usually include some sort of horrible monster, often a clown, jumping out at the final moment and scaring everyone. The worst episode included a ventriloquism doll, it took many months to get that image out of my head.
Just for reference if you haven't watched the show, this is what we were dealing with...
HOW SCARY IS THIS? A floating doll that asks you to play?! I couldn't watch this now and I'm 32. Don't even get me started on this clown. I'm writing faster than ever just to get his face off my computer screen!
Who decided this could be on TV for children? It's pretty creepy and disturbing if you ask me, but I digress. Get back on message Catherine, don't fall into a black hole of freaking out about kids TV shows.
Why do I bring this particularly traumatising series to your attention, well the past few weeks something has been building in my mind and my whole being has been a bit nervous.
My sciatica leg is starting to tremble [always a sign I'm panicking], I'm pretty exhausted all the time and my mind is running at about 1000 miles per hour. As I talked about last week, I've come to learn that staying on top of everything that comes up in life is an impossible task, and that I need God to help me manage and walk through this season of change. But isn't it true that knowing this and living this out are two very different things? Almost as if a logical and emotional process are happening concurrently, separate but together. For example, we can hear a scary story, much like Are You Afraid of the Dark?, and know logically that it's not real, but nevertheless our bodies begin to panic as we hear the plot unfold.
Why is it that the logical process of managing scary experiences can feel digestible but the emotional process scares me almost as much as that stupid clown I shared earlier?
The reflecting that's required to write a weekly blog helps my mind process all that God is walking me through but I think my body needs time to catch up. The internal trembling is the younger Catherine inside of me that needs time to understand all that is happening and work through the internal adjustments and pruning God is doing on the inside.
When I think about it, my body is a really good communicator. If it's experiencing disconnection or fear its worth listening to as it has something to reveal about how part of me is feeling in this current season.
My mind is a fairly pushy character, it knows I need to keep going but it can treat my body poorly in this process. Like an older dog that doesn't fancy a walk, my body gets pulled along behind my mind on a taut lease, exhausted and not sure why we need to move so quickly.
Essentially, my mind knows that I need to keep walking through this unknown and challenging season but my body is still a bit scared, it's afraid of the dark and needs more time to adjust to a new environment.
The thumping heart and quivering stomach that I feel when watching this crazy scary kids show [I'm such a wimp haha] is how my body is feeling daily in this current season. No matter how much I rationalise everything and understand it logically, my body remains scared.
The main reason Are You Afraid of the Dark? used to scare me so much was because there was always a jumpy, crescendo moment where a creature or monster would appear from nowhere and the teenagers listening to the story would scream! This state of expecting terror, being on edge waiting to be scared is how my body is living right now. It never knows what's around the corner, or what is about to jump out at it and the constant existence of heightened awareness and expectancy of new threats is completely exhausting and a challenging way to live.
My mind tries to explain everything to my body and remind it what we are working towards and who we are trusting the carry us through [God], but my body doesn't speak the same language, a lot of communication between the two is lost in translation.
Understanding that listening to God and following his instructions as he reveals the purpose in my creative calling is one thing, walking it out and physically doing it is another.
So how do I bring things into alignment? How do I help my body feel less afraid of what's going on in this season?
It may seem obvious but it took me a long time to get to the following conclusion. I often get stuck in my head and trying to work things out up there before actually doing anything. Finally, this week I got to place of realising that I need to make art, more specifically collage.
Collage is my safe place, it's a refuge. The depth of it's power and transformation in my mind, body and soul is beyond words.
Artist and writer Laurie Kanyer spoke at a NYCE [New York Collage Ensemble] talk this week about the healing power and potential of collage, something I knew in my mind, but I think I'd forgotten in my body.
Laurie spoke about the way that cutting and pasting helps us to process a plethora of emotions on a multitude of levels, that the process brings our inner worlds into conversation with one another and the healing, comfort and transformation that can occur is unlike any other medium.
I mean Laurie literally wrote the book[s] on this, I would recommend buying them both if you want to make collage with a companion! She makes collage making accessible in a phenomenal and deeply human way.
As someone who loves collage so much I don't half ignore it when I'm really going through something. I think a part of me is afraid of what my body is feeling, what it may communicate to me through the art making process. Over the years I've come to learn that I cannot hide from myself when I'm making collage and perhaps I avoid making it when I don't want to hear that my body is struggling to keep up or manage everything perfectly. There's that darn perfectionism again.
*face palm*
Just because my mind has accepted something doesn't mean that I have to command my body to get a grip or stop being a nervous nelly. I just need to lean into the art making process more regularly to allow my body some space to process why it's feeling scared and to build it's resilience to learn how to do things afraid. It's not about dismissing the fear, it's learning to hear it out, make artwork about it and encourage it to keep stepping forward one foot at a time. It's a gentle process of small wins, of surviving brave moments and building up capacity to keep going.
This resilience building alongside empathy for the parts of me that are struggling should give way to decreasing pain, tiredness and tension, similar to the exhaling feeling after sharing a problem with someone or the relief following a powerful therapy session. Giving my body the opportunity to be heard, understood and cared for should help with all this somatic [bodily] fear that I've been so irritated and impatient with.
I also wonder if the nervous energy that I've been holding in my body is actually a normal response to being in the metaphorical dark? Much like how our body can stiffen or become suddenly alert when we have to walk through a dark corridor or unfamiliar space. It can feel scary and our body lets us know it's using all its strength to remain alert in order to keep us safe. Perhaps the discomfort my body feels is because the hyper vigilant state its living in right now is exhausting and painful, but it's communicating that its aware we're in unfamiliar territory and its doing everything it can to try and keep me safe.
Catching my body up to my minds capacity to tolerate things is hard for me, some people do it beautifully or the other way around - their body is ready before their mind is. Some people may not even experience them as two separate entities. For me it's a process, one that I'm starting to see will have to develop at a much slower pace that I may want it to. But if I pause, listen to my body and it's worries through the art-making process, perhaps I can give it the space it requires to air its concerns and begin to accept the possibility that it may need to move through the seemingly dangerous new terrain. Reminding it always that we are walking alongside a patient and ever lovingly God who will help every step of the way.
Give your body a chance to tell you how it's feeling, showing it this kindness could be the key in taking the next step in doing things afraid, safely.
Are You Afraid of the Dark? was a TV show meant to determine who was scared and who wasn't. As if being the frightened one made you weak or a loser. I wonder if being scared or not isn't what we should be taking away from our experiences of fear, but rather noticing what we do with those feelings and support our minds and bodies in unison to enable us to move through them safely and with God's guidance?
Art making is a gift from God, "and he has filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills— to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood and to engage in all kinds of artistic crafts." Exodus 35:31-33 NIV. For some of us it's our life's pursuit or calling, for others it's a past time, but it can be useful and helpful for everyone.
To conclude I'll say this, it's totally normal to be afraid the dark, or the unexpected or uncomfortable. Make space to listen to how both you mind and body are feeling in the process of learning how to move forward whilst feeling afraid, and art making can be a helpful tool in exploring this.
Ultimately, listen to your concerns, logical, physical, emotional, spiritual, all the ul's and lay them at the feet of Jesus. Even our saviour was afraid when he was human on this earth, he will understand.
Listen to yourself, tell God about your fear, remember the feeling of fear isn't an issue, it only becomes one if it keeps us stuck or too afraid to keep moving.
Am I Afriad of the Dark? Yes, I am.
Will I let it hault me in my progress and purpose? Heck no!
See you next week, Cath x
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