~ God told me to be an artist, week 7
Friday 13th January 2023.
Being an artist full time, well it's been a bit of slog so far hasn't it! Week's 5 & 6 were so discombobulating (great word) because I felt so unable to move forward. I was forced to stand still, something I generally hate to do.
But here I am in a new week and I've got to say, there is still so much unknown but a couple of brilliantly beautiful things happened that encouraged me hugely.
I've been asking God for signs of what's to come for the last few weeks. I don't know about you but when I ask for signs what I really want is the next step or my next instruction to be written in the sky, right outside my house, plain as day, super clear and personal. I want there to be absolutely no room for error and preferably to have maybe the next 5 years in a nice downloadable pdf explaining where I'm headed to precisely.
Here's the problem though, God doesn't work like that, life doesn't work like that. Our constant striving for safety and certainty is futile because anything could happen or change in a moment. Doesn't stop me longing for it though. The knowledge that life cannot be completely predictable and certain never stops me from longing that it would be.
My posture as a fairly anxious person is usually that if I create the most certainty in my life and work then I'll be able to relax. So for many years that's exactly what I've tried to do. As I mentioned in an earlier post I built a pretty safe life around myself until God asked me to deconstruct it.
Following on from last week I've had a lot to think about. The cogs in my head were whirring over the weekend and into the start of this week. If I'm completely honest I was in a bit of toddler tantrum for quite a few days.
I scolded at God, what's the problem with planning and safety? I blamed him, God why won't you tell me where I'm going? I even tried bargaining, If you tell me where you're leading me I'll relax!
Monday afternoon this week I was pretty much at a loss. I was angry, I was fed up and I was back doing the same thing I've done many a time over the last few years, I was looking for a back up job. It's not an unusual thing to have a second or third job as a creative, I'm not throwing any shade but I knew in my gut that I shouldn't be doing this and I did it anyway. I didn't look to far a field, something actually came up at my church, a role that I had had before elsewhere and could probably do fairly well.
I downloaded the job application - *my gut said don't do it*
I read through and highlighted aspects of the job I could do - *my gut said don't do it*
I went and spoke with someone I knew on the staff team and asked a ton of questions to try and placate my gut.
But you guessed it - *my gut said don't do it*
Have you ever been in a fight with your gut? I get into scraps with mine all the time. If my fear and anxiety disagree with what it's communicating they get my brain involved and together they try to circumvent its direction and find a more pleasing solution.
My anxious mind likes familiarity and consistency, it always has. But here's he problem, these past few years have been a constant nudging away from that mindset and desire. Every year since I was saved in 2018 my gut and my heart have started to speak up. They're louder and they encourage me to move in ways I've never wanted to before.
So, in my frustration on Monday, during this war with my gut I bluntly asked God, should I take this job?
I hadn't felt like I'd been hearing God so well lately, I'd been so back and forth on every single decision I'd had to make, it'd been such a battle. But this time I couldn't have heard him any clearer.
NO
Not what I wanted to hear. Well I didn't hear technically, I felt it in my gut. The first certainty I'd felt in weeks.
A resounding NO.
I knew in that moment that this had been a test. For the last few years I had felt called to self employment and a creative life but had always backed up this call with other work. It's important to say at this point that there is nothing inherently wrong with having additional work in order to pay your bills, but for me, I felt God was calling me to trust him entirely with my work and finances. The way he wanted to use my life would require some healing in the areas of trust and fear of scarcity, and in order to do that I was going to need to let go. Having a plan B, C and D has always been how I've done things, I back up my back up, so unconvinced that anything on it's own will actually work.
As the undeniable NO echoed in my spirit I remembered when I was offered my last job. I had left a role as a therapist to focus on my art but within a month found myself in another role. I had felt in my gut it was a bad idea but my brain convinced me it was a smart decision because it was income and that this would actually help me with my art practice. It didn't. I ended up having one of the worst anxiety seasons of my life, I was chronically overworked and eventually had to be signed off work because my mental exhaustion had triggered physical shingles and my mental health was so completely shot.
I had heard God in my spirit and gut but did what my fear told me to do anyway and I suffered badly as a result. Really badly.
As this painful memory washed over me I asked myself, why did I go against my gut and the answer came hurdling back, I was afraid of not having enough money and that I'd be in financial trouble. I didn't really trust God to provide.
The fear of running out of money was one culprit of me making a really bad decision to take another job that wasn't right for me. Now it's easy to believe that money could be worrying, especially in this economy, but I wasn't even trying to bring this fear before God. I wasn't bringing it to him and seeing how he would respond.
I was trying to solve the problem myself.
This was a pretty uncomfortable realisation I must say. So naturally my defensiveness kicked in and I started to tantrum before God again, but I'm not supposed to be reckless, I have a mortgage and you tell us to steward gifts such as these well don't you?
I felt the following words in my spirit, Trusting me is not reckless.
I started then comparing my life with others, I've heard testimonies of people who had multiple jobs or had to lead in other areas before you opened the door for their creativity, some people still do hold multiple roles. If that's their purpose, why should I believe mine would be any different?
Again, my spirit responded quickly, I didn't call you to live their life, I called you to live yours.
*uncomfortable knowing*
This was when I knew God was not trying to punish me by placing me in the position of having to trust him for provision and opportunity. He was actually trying to heal me. He was inviting me into a new chapter of life where supernatural power and breakthrough would be my portion, but first I had to trust him. Really trust him. Demonstratively trust him.
This new job that had caught my eye was a test, had I learned anything from the last 4 additional jobs I had taken to back up the call of God? After a rocky start, lots of bargaining with God and several ugly cries, I knew what I had to do.
I didn't apply for the job.
I stared at my bank balance and felt a twinge of fear, but I didn't apply for the job.
The next day I was scheduled to teach one of my 'Art Inside' prison art classes, I've been doing this for several years now and I completely love it. It's hard work, involves a lot of travel and preparation but I always enjoy the experience.
I walked into the prison at 7:45am, prison days start early, and I said hello to the officers in the department I was teaching. I set up my room, arranged the art materials and waited for the men to arrive. Both morning and afternoon sessions were fantastic. Each class saw men soften in the creative space and we talked about life and art and the future.
It was beautiful. As I packed the art supplies away I felt a warmth spread through my body. I smiled as I walked back to the train station. It hit me in that moment, that I wasn't going to know what everything in the future held, God needed to me keep growing in the area of trust, I needed more practice. But one thing was certain, something about art and something about prisons is part of my journey. I love sharing art in these grey and depressing institutions and I hope I get to continue for a very long time indeed.
My fear is still there. The voice that tells me I'm going to run out of money and be in a dire situation remains. However, now there is another voice in the conversation, one that says well done for not taking the additional job, keep looking to me and I will show you where to go. It's the same voice that told me to convert my spare room into a studio and to be an artist full time.
I'm nervous to trust it, but the experience of choosing it over my own fear has been somewhat liberating. It's an encouragement to keep trying, to listen to the still small voice but also the powerful gut. Someone told me recently they think God communicates with them through their gut, and I like that, it makes perfect sense. I think God has been talking to me through my gut my whole life I just didn't realise it was him.
So why did I title this post Art Inside if I've spent most of it talking about whether or not I took another job. Well It's to place the men and women in my prison art classes at the front of this message. Teaching them has been the biggest honour of my life and I hope to continue to do so. The irony of this population is their artwork is often freer than anything else I've ever experienced. They teach me so much about repentance and trying to learn new ways of being than anyone on the outside ever has.
Art Inside is a project that started from a phone call to a friend and former colleague during covid. I explained I had an idea for creating art kits for people in prison and that I think it should be funded. Amazingly God made a way and 4 prisons later it's still happening, and it's bigger and better than ever thanks to the wonderful participants who help me shape and improve it for each new cohort that comes. It's a passion project, it's my heart, it's the only thing I know is part of my purpose. Now whether that means it continues or leads to something else I'm not sure, but one thing is clear, I can pour my heart, soul and energy into this work and God will do the rest.
Art Inside is a piece of certainty. Something I can hold onto knowing its where I'm meant to be. Thank you to every prison artist I've met, you've changed my life.
I still don't know what's to come in this crazy artistic journey God has me on, but what is it they say, feel the fear and do it anyway?
See you next week, Cath x
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