~ God told me to be an Artist, week 3.
Friday 16th December 2022.
Honeymoon periods, the whisper of new love and possibilities. The potential for anything to happen, a new chapter in life to celebrate, an opportunity to look forward into a bright future. Got a warm and fuzzy image in your head right now? I'm sure you do.
Cheesy music playing as I marvelled at the winding road of adventure before me, this was what I expected stepping into purpose to look like. A fanfare of 'yeah she did it', 'now it's time for the party'. But oh no, as it turns out, this week saw me ugly crying and snotty nosed as I deconstructed the elements of my life God was calling me to. It was not unicorn flavoured, hello kitty magic with trumpets playing and children singing. It was hard.
The honeymoon period for my new 'becoming an artist' venture turned out to be just over two weeks. Although it has felt somewhat uncomfortable from the start, there was an optimism in those initial days. It's hope led the rest of my emotions to see the potential goodness in things. It made the first steps possible. I thought it'd last a little longer than 2 weeks!!
Turns out this sense of joy didn't want to stick around all that long. Now I didn't feel completely hopeless all of a sudden, but the negative voices started to get louder this week for sure. The ones that have always been there but I've been able to keep in check up until now.
"What about money?"
"How is this actually going to work out?"
"How can you be sure this isn't just a vanity project?"
"You're not really focusing on God."
"You're kidding yourself."
Ooof they stung. Like a youtube channel on loop, all my inner critic's top hits playing one after the other. Ever found yourself in a spiral like this? It stings right, like so incredibly much. I found myself falling into a pit with noting to grab onto.
Now before you stop reading, I promise I'm not trying to scare you, make you feel miserable or put you off following your own purpose and calling. It's a process and this blog is all about honestly sharing every experience of the journey, including the painful ones. Like any good movie or testimony, it's good, bad and everything in between. This week was a lot, but it also brought some really helpful insight. As you read on I'll balance the vibe I swear!
As I've mentioned before, the call to creativity has been a constant in my life, so becoming an artist wasn't something I had to start from scratch. However, turns out God was about to do an inventory of everything I had created in my own strength over the years. Spoiler alert, it was a lot!
Ideas and plans seemed manageable to deconstruct or hand over, but then I heard him whisper for the big one, my business, Cut Out Collage.
*vomit emoji*
I was hoping this wouldn't come up.
After being saved I had built this business, knowing more and more each day that I was designed for a different life, an entrepreneurial one. I felt proud of what I'd been able to learn to create a viable business. Something of my own that I had made from scratch.
I clung tightly to Cut Out. "Please God, don't take this", I cried. "I don't know who I am without this".
I sat still and heard a phrase in my spirit, clear as day, "can I have it back?". Even though I knew exactly what 'it' was, I played dumb for a while. Do you ever do that, pretend to God that you don't understand what he's saying. It makes me laugh how many times I've tried to trick him with this one, like it's even possible.
Anyway, I digress.
I continued to listen, and after several rounds of the phrase "can I have it back?" I heard something more. "You've learned a lot in this season, I let you build this business, you gained skills that will be necessary going forward, but to move on I ask again, can I have the business back?". Or words to that effect.
This was something I had felt a sense of before, almost as if God had planted the possibility of Cut Out being a temporary thing in my spirit previously. I had always batted that thought away, Cut Out Collage was mine, I birthed it, I spent so much money on it, I had built it from nothing. That's when it became clear, it had become my identity. Something that was meant as a vehicle for growth had become where fully lived. I had built an altar to another God, and without realising I had started to place my own abilities and dreams ahead of God's.
It was an old pattern in a new dress. A stage of work and achievement seeking validation. Insecurity with a suit on, trying to look trustworthy. A shiny shop front where I could hide.
This realisation was painful. It was uncomfortable and nerve wracking. What was I supposed to do now?
You know that part in the movie where everything seems lost and the characters are fumbling about in the chaos? It can be hard to watch, but isn't that the moment right before clarity comes? The moment when they know what they need to do. I'm happy to say, this is what happened for me.
As I began to entertain the possibility of handing my business back to God he started to give me information regarding how it needed to be deconstructed. He showed me where he had opened significant doors of opportunity, e.g. my prison work, and where he'd capped things. Like a spiritual sieve God began to sort the gold from the dirt. He rinsed the pieces he had built and kept them safe, whilst also removing the muck that had held me back. He started to show me the integration that needed to exist in my art practice and faith. Some elements would continue with me and others needed to fall away.
It was like clearing out an old room or an attic when somebody passes away. You often end up finding things that are beautiful, can be used or gifted to someone else. They are usually buried however beneath a million other things you just don't need.
God showed me how much simpler things could be his way. I couldn't believe some of the webs I had weaved and how complicated I had made everything. A lifetime of chronic over working had built dynasties of inefficiency, ways in which to keep myself so busy that I missed things from God.
I couldn't believe it, I was a bit embarrassed if I'm honest, but mostly, so unbelievably grateful. This painful, identity shifting process was making significant changes, and setting me up for a purpose filled, God led 2023.
Now I'm not naive, I know there's a long road ahead, but the pruning that had seemed like a punishment at the start of the week is starting to feel like a supernatural kindness.
The process of refining internally and creating a new studio space externally feels intrinsically linked. That God is inviting me into a more intentional alignment that will undoubtedly have more growing pains, but I feel assured there will also be fruit. Fruit that will cement my identity firmly to him. And even more exciting than that, its focus is to build something that blesses others, not just me.
Cut Out is a hugely important part of my story, and I don't despise or regret it's role in my life. I have learned so much from building it, but even more so in taking it apart. As I continue to separate the bricks that held up its walls I invite you listen to what God may be whispering to you ahead of this new year. Instead of taking something on perhaps he is calling you to take something off.
P.s my studio is still a bit of a state, but it's coming together, or at least a ton of my arty stuff is in the room!
I'll be sure to do proper tour once it's all done.
All in all, it's been a a hard week. But in classic God fashion it all has a purpose. When I look back over the last few days, I can see it's been filled with powerful revelations of how God wants me to move.
But more importantly, he's not left my side, a great reminder that he's there for every step of the way.
See you next week,
Cath x
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