~ God told me to be an artist, week 80.
Saturday 20th July 2024.
Firstly, happy Saturday! I am vibing with the idea of releasing my weekly journal entry at the weekend. It feels like a it fits the rhythm of my week also, from seeing the timings of when most of you read it, it’s all about the weekend so yay!
Give the people what they want I suppose.
Also, this little shift of a later release has helped me a lot this week. This entry was a little harder to write, a bit clunky. I’ll jump right in with why…
I got a rejection from an application I sent recently. A project I really wanted to do, but unfortunately someone else’s project was more suited to the call, and I was told ‘No’.
Ouch.
I don’t think you ever get used to the word ‘No’ as an artist/ freelancer, but interestingly I’ve found my capacity to tolerate it has increased and my bounce back rate shortened massively!
As an artist or freelance creative, you must learn to accept rejection as part of the process. There’s no which way around it. In order to get some projects, you must apply for a lot more and endure multiple rejections. Logically that makes sense right, but it literally means setting yourself up for many people and organisations to say no to you. Much more so than in many other jobs. By choosing this path you are stationed in the position of being halted and having to give up on projects or ideas you have. Or even harder, attempting to find another way or place to investigate/fund them. Which can be disheartening when this doesn’t work out and you don’t always have the option to self-fund.
It's makes you think a whole host of uncomfy things like; am I doing the right thing? And why don’t people believe in my work? Am I crazy for believing in it? It can be especially hard when you’re not offered feedback, which is understandable as some places receive 100’s or 1000’s of applications for every call-out.
But still, negative responses feel as if someone is reading your work and screaming back at you; your work just wasn’t good enough.
This Friday afternoon as I read the email that said thanks but no thanks, a million thoughts rushed through my system. Firstly, how wild it is to think that just a month ago I was doing a huge centre of town-based mural that drew crowds, and now I’m facing rejections. On top of this I have several projects closing all at once adding up to a heck of a lot of uncertainty, the enemy of my creative spirit.
Although this is not my first rodeo with the word no, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting a little.
The reason I wanted to share about this here today is not for sympathy or validation but rather to encourage you that the freelance/ creative journey is not linear. It’s just not. It’s not a steady climb upwards, it’s a wild swishing from left to right a lot of the time. And it’s okay to feel the hits as you move through it.
The feeling of failure is hard, but gosh is it brave to go through it. It’s so so brave.
The way in which I am able to hold my head up when these kind of responses come and not let them take me out of the game is speaking mantras and truth over myself.
I don’t mean in a cute, namaste kind of way, no shade to yogis – I love [and practice] yoga. But I mean I speak loudly over myself; this will not take me out.
A short and simple yet powerful pep talk.
I intentionally speak to mountains in my mind and remind myself where my help comes from. Closing my eyes, breathing deeply, and sometime pacing, I say; this hurts, it’s okay that it hurts, but this will not take me out.
I want to get braver with each passing year and you know what comes with that desire, the arena where you have to experience practicing bravery. If you want to get strong you have to go the gym or lift increasingly heavy things. This is my mental gym; this will not take me out, I will allow myself to feel this for a moment then we go again.
The other big voice in my mind in the face of rejections is my fear of scarcity or lack. Now this one is simple for me. If I really let this voice take the wheel I don’t look to God or his provision, I am putting my faith in projects and my own hand and ability, not his. I got to grab this thought and take it captive saying; Now come one Cath, you know you put in hard and good work to apply for this, I did my bit and if it’s not for me, it’s God’s redirection.
It's powerful to remember that if we do our best and work hard and intentionally we’re still going to fail, because not everything we think is good for us is even for us. So, getting comfortable with the process that the ride is bumpy regardless takes a lot of the shame and the self-imposed pressure out of it. Essentially if I’m doing my best to obey the directions I feel God has placed in my heart and mind then he will fill in the gaps of what is out of my ability or grasp.
If I’m in the game I have a chance, and He knows my limitations and loves so much to see my trying to follow his path however clumsily I’m doing it. Including the rejections and all the ‘no’s’.
This intentional way of thinking flips the script for me. The day after receiving a rejection email I can now move through the feelings much more smoothly. I can feel God’s reminder that he is proud of me for trying and that he sees my efforts. I can believe that they are not in vain and will contribute to something else he is preparing me for or bringing shortly.
It’s not dismissing the pain of the feelings, but it’s not staying camped out there either. I used to be wiped out for days after something didn’t work or a project proposal didn’t progress and now I can survive it well and speak encouragement to myself on quite a quick turnaround. It’s growth, even the ugly bits, it’s all moving me towards increased capacity for bigger and better things.
All of this has been said before, I’m not original in this thought, but I hope someone out there feels encouraged today that the wiggly, squirmy process of putting yourself out there and trying to make it as a creative or freelancer is brave as heck. It’s a path littered with rejections but also mountain tops higher than you can even imagine.
You’ll also see the beauty in what you can survive and even thrive in compared to what you used to be able to tolerate and manage. When God’s involved you best believe it’s going to amaze you how he can develop you. I stand before you as someone who could never step a foot out of line, crippled by fear and doubt, and here I am putting myself out there all the time knowing that a lot of the applications will end in ‘no’.
What do they say about an arrow? In order to travel a longer distance, it must be pulled back further in the stretching before release.
See you next Saturday, Cath x
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