~ God told me to be an artist, week 24
Friday 19th May, 2023.
I'd always considered myself pretty good at taking tests. I'm willing to put in the hours revising, I love making schedules, I keep organised notes and I like to do things well, so I put in a fair amount of effort.
So throughout school, the things that came more instinctively to me I enjoyed learning about, such as theatre studies, art and design etc. Then the subjects I struggled with like chemistry and maths I just put in the hours memorising all I needed to regurgitate to get a passing grade at GCSE. It worked, I got good grades, I felt proud of my achievements and coming out of school I fell into the rhythm of university well.
Basically, I got pretty good at performing and achieving what was asked of me. The fear of failing or looking stupid drove me and I became I bit of a schooling robot.
But university finished eventually. The structure of being directed fell away and the real world hit. The cocoon of art school and my high school experience before that were nothing like the real world and stepping into it was a huge shock for me.
Looking back I'm very surprised I didn't fall apart more than I did. I managed to stay in London [where I had studied], get work and continue to keep my head above water. However, I didn't choose something I wanted to do, I didn't even know how to ask myself that question, I asked someone else what I should do and did that. Mirroring the template of school, I asked for a direction and responded with compliance.
The school system I experienced, and art school to an extent, were several years of learning how to perform. It was not a process of learning to discern your intuition or developing your gifting, it was about grades, getting ahead and making other people proud. It's quite sad when you think about it. I am grateful for the safe and privileged school environment that I experienced, I made many friends, I travelled round Europe with choir, even sang at the Albert Hall, so much of this time is positive memories, but I can't help but see the parallels between my school experience and the mould I've always felt I should have poured my life into. I've always felt a sense that I'm supposed to be a happy worker bee, with an average job that is fairly dissatisfying but that pays the bills and means I can support dependants. That I'm supposed to brighten the mundane with a splattering of holidays that bring joy and mountain top moments before returning to the grind, slowly working myself into retirement before I can explore who I actually am or what I want to do.
Now, don't get me wrong I'm not saying that this is the wrong way to live, there will be many people in jobs and lives such as this who find it completely satisfying, joyful even. All I'm proposing is that our school system and society in general seems to push every single one of us into this exact position/ way of life and some of us just don't fit.
I realised fairly quickly after my undergraduate degree that being out in the working world, having my creativity as a hobby or side project just wasn't going to cut it for me, but also that being an artist was too fair off piste for me at that time. I was at a loss again with what to do.
So I ran back to education, found a postgraduate course that I felt legitimised my art practice, a sensible choice. I immediately found my feet again, briefs, projects, expectations and clear outcomes, this was were I was safe. Phew!
Thus was born in me a desire for the familiar, something I think most of us have in one way or another, but something I definitely found in returning to the familiar environment of the schooling system. But little did I know that God was up to something, even in those years when I didn't believe in him, he was working. As part of the Art Psychotherapy course I was taking I needed to be in therapy myself, something that I saw as simply a means to an end at first, which over the years became a journey to actually meeting myself for the first time. Cheesy I know, but there's really no other way I can put it.
Alongside starting the masters I left my safe job and began to step into more risky [risky for me] work. I worked in creative roles and with vulnerable people and something began to unlock within me. I still had the security of being in education but also talking in therapy every week began to unlock some things that I was previously unaware of.
I started to dip my toe in different pools, I allowed this quiet voice within me to murmur and take part in the conversation. Things that seemed impossible before, started to intrigue me and over the years I grew stronger in so many areas like, positive risk-taking, adventure, curiosity and resilience.
After leaving my masters training I had a slight set back, actually a pretty big one. I fell back into the trap of feeling unsteady and needing to reduce my curiosity about life and get a real job and grow up. I've spoken about this before, but for a long time I ignored the internal prompting to be an artist and set about being an art therapist - the sensible and respectable choice. Of course, there is nothing wrong with this profession, it's wonderful and does so much good, but alas, I was back in a place where I thought I was supposed to be but I just didn't fit.
So what do you do when the familiar or I'm supposed to do... calls you? Do you listen? Do you follow it's instructions?
For a long time I felt completely powerless to even ask those questions, yet alone answer them, but God in all his goodness has shown me that I don't need to have all the answers, all I need to start with is curiosity. To allow his voice and his peace to reside within a question and let them marinate and return an answer in his time. To allow things to unfold instead of forcing them.
Questions that didn't reside within a test I could revise for really stumped me for a long time. At least in education settings, the test would come after an introduction and lectures about the subject, but life isn't like that is it?
Life with God certainly isn't like this.
I've found the biggest and hardest tests of my life have been in the repeated, familiar patterns that God is helping me to identify and ultimately break. I don't believe he's trying to take away all familiar things in my life, just the ones that reduce my capacity or overly distract me away from what he is doing in my life.
The reason I write about this today is that a familiar and actually pretty embarrassing test came back into my life this week. My biggest test is a person. He arrives in my thoughts or DM's or on a comment on instagram and I take the bait everytime. His presence distracts me, his persona consumes me and I get hurt every, single time. I entertain it again, and again and again and it seems to fall back into my life every time I'm about to transition or move forward.
It's a blocker, something I thought the devil would throw at me to take me off course, but this time I got to thinking as I failed [yet again and got enveloped by this person's presence].
What if this time it's God?
What if this time God is reminding me of the power this person holds over me and is seeing if I'm ready to move forward from this once and for all?
What if he's seeing if I've absorbed all those lessons about resilience and self respect and purpose focus and trusting his timing and this is actually a test?
At first I thought this seemed mean, but actually was an amazing way to show me how far I've come, yes I failed, but I recognised it and am trying with all my might to correct my steps and get back on course before any real damage is done.
This is progression, usually this kind of disruption would last weeks and weeks.
I know I'm entering a season of increase and new beginnings, so it makes sense for a test to take the form of a familiar relationship that distracts and destructs. I don't feel a shame about failing this test initially because God is giving me the grace to switch directions and get my focus back on him and what he's doing. This isn't like a test in school where you're ranked against everyone else in the room, this is a deeply personal journey of relearning with God as the teacher and he will stay with you in the same lesson until you learn it and he will show you all the mercy you need to make it through.
He is bringing forth a chapter of boundless creativity and opportunity, so why would I spend my time focusing on a person that doesn't come alongside that vision in a positive way?
I feel like I tripped and God jutted out his hand at the exact right moment so I didn't fully fall, what a God, what a king!
So what have I learned this week?
That a creative calling can be derailed in a plethora of different ways!
That I am going to fail again and again, but it's important the steps that come after the failure!
That I need to keep my eyes, thoughts and heart on Jesus if I've got any chance of seeing this creative calling through!
That God can take something so ingrained, so deeply cemented into you psyche and patterns and use it to heal you!
That God is so so good, even more so than I realised!
In a weird way I'm happy I got that F [fail], it showed me just what my God can do.
See you next week, Cath x
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