~ God told me to be an Artist, week 1.
Friday 2nd December, 2022.
"You're an artist" the whisper repeated to me. I was confused, why was I hearing this?
These words may not come as a shock to those of you who know me, being an artist isn't completely out of the realm of possibility, I've always been 'Arty Farty'. However, there was something different I could sense in this quiet voice. As I listened, I felt called to change the focus of my creative gifts. For a long time I'd seen them as something that needed to be validated, generate a lot of money or be impressive in order to be worth anything. I'd limited them by focusing on what they could provide for me and I felt God was beginning to question that outlook.
Once I'd acknowledged the presence of the repeated phrase, "You're an artist", it echoed in my ears on loop and presented itself at unexpected times. I didn't feel ready to engage with it so I batted it away. But one day as I did ignored it's cry, I suddenly remembered the other times I had experienced a similar whisper. These previous calls had led to significant breakthrough and freedom, so I wondered if this would be the same. Should I be listening to this voice I asked myself repeatedly.
Let's go back to before I heard this whisper and get some context. Art has always been 'my thing' for want of a better phrase. I went to art school, I went to art therapy school. I've worked for many years in art related jobs, but I never remotely considered it a vocation in itself. To me it was something I could weave into more 'realistic', 'safer' or 'sensible' professions. I've always accepted that most people didn't actually make it as artists, I could dream but it'd always be just out of reach. As much as I've experienced a deep connection to creativity in my life, I decided shortly after art school that I'd need to find a more logical career path and have art as a part of my wider experience. I told myself this would be enough.
Upon deciding to be sensible I began building the life I thought I needed. A realistic creative endeavour that could be justified and accepted by others. I asked everyone around me their opinions, following everyone's voice but God. For the majority of my adult life I hadn't been a Christian so ignoring internal holy spirit prompts and calls was easy, I didn't understand what they were. It was easy to dismiss unusual inclings as foolish dreaming. But God had other plans, He saved me in 2018, in a creative event at Hillsong Church in Sydney and this began the start of an enormous internal shift.
I had moved to Australia in October 2018 after hearing a whisper, 'Australia' for about 2 years. As a non-believer I had no idea where the voice was coming from but for some reason I knew I could trust it. The obedience to this call led me to being saved, pretty good start! However, it also ignited a deep internal longing to be brave, something I'd always been fairly opposed to. It was so intriguing because I had planned and carefully crafted every move in my life with extreme control and focus. I always had a sense of what I should do next and what the correct steps ahead should be.
I returned from my year in Australia with a new faith and deep confusion about my life going forward. Most surprising of all, I had a desire to deconstruct my sensible life. I felt like someone was prying up the nails that had fastened me to the ground my whole life, but as I looked down it was me holding the hammer, frantically trying to remove my own shackles. I simultaneously wanted to move on and to stay completely still, it was an internal battle that I never saw coming. Believe me I tried to shake it off, I really tried. The doubt inside was still pretty strong and would often attempt to nail me back down, but it couldn't eclipse the call to be brave, the persistent call to believe for and try something big.
It's worth noting that the bravery I felt drawn to had a companion, creativity. I remember the growing want of having creativity at the forefront of my life and purpose instead of hiding in the wings, secondary to other, more realistic projects, tasks and commitments. Courage and creativity seemed to be all I could think about, till eventually I took a leap.
My first step out of the sensible life was starting a business in 2019, Cut Out Collage.
God gave me the name in my final weeks in Australia and once I was back home in the UK I moved to my hometown of Liverpool and started building the business.
I lived with my grandparents for a few months and got an art studio. I used my love of collage to host workshops, sell some of my own art images and sold at a market to kickstart some funds.
The business developed slowly, but with some commissions and partnerships it eventually grew, and I was given some great opportunities to teach art in prisons, somewhere I'd worked before and always felt a great affinity with. I'll speak more about my work in prisons in future posts, I really love it and feels like something my creativity and I are supposed to be connected to.
All sounds pretty good right? Unfortunately this isn't just a glory to glory tale. Pretty soon after I started my business fear also began to creep in, other people's voices began to louden and the practicalities of life began to feel too much to bear. I decided to get a supporting job. Now this isn't anything new, millions of creatives have second, third or even fourth jobs to fund their pursuits and there is nothing wrong with that. However, I began to place too much value in the 'other' jobs, and old patterns of wanting to appease and impress people began to set in. I started going after jobs that took away from my creativity.
This began a series of extremely challenging jobs that killed my spirit and sidelined my creativity, the opposite of what I was telling myself the jobs were for. They weren't just money, they began to be where I was searching for meaning. I believe this was because they were safer, other people told me they were the 'right choice' and I didn't feel brave enough to disagree with them out loud even though internally I was screaming 'You're wrong, I know I'm not meant to be here'. The cycle of getting additional jobs, realising they weren't the right choice, leaving them, then getting other supporting jobs lasted 3.5 years. It was pretty brutal.
In June 2022 I finished the third supporting job I tried after suffering badly with anxiety. I felt out of alignment, completely lost and very low. I began to isolate and panic about the future so much so it would paralyse me. I was afraid to even dream.
Although I felt extremely guilty for stopping and not having a clear next step, in this stillness is where I began to hear the whisper again, "You're an artist". This phrase scared me, I didn't know what to do with it, I had felt like a failure for so long that I didn't want to hear this anymore.
Still unsure about how to move I decided to take some time away. It seemed right to give the time some meaning, travelling felt better than worrying. My friend lived in Sweden as was happy for me to come and stay with her for a month, so on a plane I lept.
In the peace and serenity of northern Sweden I was so relaxed, and although the voice ushering "You're an artist" persisted, it slowly began to morph into a soothing rhythm echoing through the trees, and tapping on my heart.
I met lots of wonderful people in Norrbotten including many artists of the region. I heard story after story of how people had followed their creative pursuits because something in them knew it was their path. Each time I heard this I noticed a warmth through my chest and a softness in my shoulders. I started to allow the whisper to cover me, "You're an artist", "You're an artist", "You're an artist". This once irritating voice had started to feel like a friend.
Upon returning from Sweden I noticed something I hadn't paid much attention to previously. I saw that I had kept my faith and my art practice fairly separate. I didn't think they could exist together. As I thought about what a combined focus could look like I felt worried, what would people think? Would alienate me from the creative groups I had become a part of? Wouldn't it limit work opportunities?
I took a deep breath and allowed the gentle whisper to return. As this repetition, "You're an artist", consumed me once again it unfolded further. I started to get the sense that Cut Out had been a preparation season, an equipping of the skills and knowledge I would need for what was up ahead. That now was the time to bring calling, purpose and gifting into alignment with God's plan.
*Big gulp*
I was nervous to say the least.
So here I am, week 1 of a new journey. One where my creativity and my faith will be in alignment. I'll be taking my direction from the original creator and honouring him with whatever I produce. Am I terrified? Sure. Do I think some people will have opinions and uninvited feedback? Probably. Am I going to need prayer more than ever? You betcha!
But here's the thing, I've got to try. If I look back I can see the grace filled journey God's taken me on so far. He's been leading me through increasingly bigger steps of faith, building my trust to step out a little further each time. He's been so patient with me as my need for control and certainty has overwhelmed me more times than I can count. Each step forward has often been followed by multiple leaps in reverse, but slowly, I've grown to trust a little more in the whisper in my ear that calls me forward.
It's week one, I'm terrified and a little nauseous, but a still small voice encourages me to do it afraid. I hope you enjoy coming along for the journey and enjoy the ride.
If you feel the call of creativity on your life too I pray that my story will bring you some encouragement and comfort in knowing you are not alone. Be in touch with questions or comments as we go, I won't have all the answers but excited to connect with the wider creative community out there!
Let's see what God can do, I have a feeling it's going to be more than I ever imagined.
See you next week, Cath x
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