~ God told me to be an Artist, week 2.
Friday 9th December 2022.
Hi you're back! Here we are at week 2 of my arty adventure and it still feels pretty new and daunting. However, this week was full to the brim of exciting steps forward and kind reminders from God that I cannot wait to tell you about.
It remains a dual process, I can barely contain my excitement whilst still waking up most mornings with the impending doom that comes with being a anxious human, afraid I'm doing the wrong thing. But the Holy Spirit's voice is strong and louder than ever right now, gently reminding me that this faith step is bringing me more and more into alignment. It's been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least!
A VERY EXCITING THING is that work has begun on converting my spare room into an art studio/ office!!
*Happy Dance*
I mean it's still pretty plain, but it's been painted white, by my amazing Dad, the walls ready to be adorned with art and the shelves to be filled with materials.
*Second Happy Dance*
I had been umming and ahing for a while about doing this, inspired by one of my mums friends who has had a craft room in her house for years. I used to dream of creating a studio space exactly how I wanted it but those irritating, negative voices in my head would always pipe up, "shouldn't you rent out this room?" or "who do you think you are having an art room, bit much isn't it?". Safe to say, standing in the chaos of my internal shouting has often been too much to bare. So before now, I didn't make a home studio. As I had done many times before in my life, I talked myself out of it.
But this last week I felt a courage like never before, more than a courage actually, I felt a deep knowing that I needed to do this no matter how scared or unsure I was. It was as if a switch had been pressed in my brain and I could see clearly how important having a dedicated space to create was. It transitioned from a dream to an essential step.
I think sometimes God speaks to me gently, building his communication over time, allowing me moments in between messages to catch my breath. Other times, it's like a sudden pistol fire at the start of 100m sprint, whether I'm ready or not, I hear it and I know I've got to move. Muscle memory and instinct kick in and my legs creak awake and carry me several steps before my brain realises whats going on! Although the whisper of "you're an artist" had been building for some time (as mentioned in my previous blog), this week felt like the climax of a crescendo, the moment where the music changes after a slow build. The moment was here for things to change.
Running 1000 mph at something is nothing new to me, but I used to go about it in a really damaging way. Like a tornado, hellbent on moving through a pasture no matter what or who was in the way. Vulnerability alert - I used to be a massive steam roller. I think it comes from being a control freak, when I felt I needed to do something I would execute that focus with a no holds barred approach. A hyper-attention that would sometimes get me into trouble with employers or cause difficulties in my relationships. After many years of therapy I believe this to have been a trauma response, a unhealthy striving to fix everything in sight, compounded by a deep self loathing and perfectionist personality. This way of existing was out of control before I learned what was causing it and ultimately how to take steps to tame it. I will admit, learning to surrender control is still a process for me.
So you can understand my concern when I felt God calling me to move quickly into something. I was so worried old patterns would emerge, causing me to drift away from God and into my own strength. I had spent years building new ways of coping and trying to unlearn some of these super unhelpful traits, learning how to take more measured and considered steps. Why then would God call me to run at something?
I was stood at what felt like a crossroads. God's asking me to move, but I don't want to switch into the destructive tornado that could end up damaging what He has placed in my hands. I know God to be kind, so I started to wonder, was this call to action about pace and speed or rather, was this about where I was placing my trust? Was the reason I would run at such a ferocious pace in previous seasons because I was trying, by force, to make things happen, in my own strength and abilities? Was God inviting me into a dynamic where he could be the strength and I could be obedient to his plan? Confidence in someone else's plans and ideas has always been a tough one for me, I was perplexed, how was this going to work?
As they often do, questions led to more questions. How do I build something confidently, stepping into the calling God has placed within me, but in a considered way? How do I ensure he is leading and I'm not asking him to bless my unaligned schemes? I'd never built anything good, bad or average in a steady way before. I sat at my desk and realised the reason I have rushed things my whole life, I've been desperate for results, longing to be recognised for achievements, but God wants this time to be different. This was about confident surrender, laying myself down and laying instead the foundations for what God would place the next chapter of my life upon. This was building slowly on rock not quickly sand. There was a call to step forward again, but a reminder that some elements would come into focus later. Certain steps of obedience would require some pace, but the whole journey would be a long one.
Construction in stone would take longer, there would be layers beneath the surface that people wouldn't see, but the end result, the building at the end of it all, would not be shaken.
This train of thought reminds me of one of the first bible stories I ever heard in Sunday school, the wise man who built his house upon the rock.
It was time to stop building on the sand of my own abilities or selfish desires, God was asking me to build on the rock of his purpose, calling, plan and kingdom.
As I write this post I am still scared, like any other time I've tried to do something new or significant. The difference is, this time there is an extremely tangible wave of peace that I feel covering me. I have felt touch points of peace in previous big life decisions but this feels like a kind tidal wave, surrounding me, keeping me afloat.
God knows stepping into trusting him and partnering with him this way is going to be really hard for me, so for every special force the enemy sends, I feel sure that God will send his armies of angels to cover me. It may sound pretty wild, but the peace that I feel at the moment is humungous, even when I'm panicking its still there, burning brightly, holding me upright, keeping the boundaries clear, reminding me of who God is.
Aside from feeling the consistent and beautiful covering of God over me and starting to create my studio, there has been another praise report that i'll finish my post with today. Last Friday when I published this website and blog I got an Instagram message from an arts collective in Liverpool. The leader of the group explained they are a group of people who contribute a pound a week into a pot. When the pot reaches £500 they nominate local artists they believe should have the money, they vote as a group and then award the money with no strings attached. I couldn't believe it, they picked me. They'd seen the other work I'd done with my business Cut Out Collage and someone thought this would be a good time to support me.
I couldn't believe it when I read it, I felt a warmth spread across my entire body, this money came just as I'd taken a step into something new, something God was calling me to.
What a reminder of his love and provision.
*Third and final Happy Dance*.
See you next week, Cath x
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