~ God told me to be an artist, week 23.
Friday 12th May, 2023.
So the cover image of this week's blog won't make sense if you haven't seen [the classic] Mean Girls. First of all, please go watch it if this is you, it's ridiculous and perfect! You'll be quoting it for years I guarantee. I have several friendships that got a bit sillier, and better, because one of us finished the others Mean Girls quote.
Basically, the character Karen, dresses as a 'mouse' for halloween. Her friend, Gretchen, seems a little confused when picking her up for the party, since she is basically just wearing a nightie.
But Karen doesn't understand her reaction and points to her mouse ears with an accompanying duh! This scene always cracks me up, the idea of dressing up as a sexy mouse makes no sense but the duh says it all. To Karen the mouse part of her outfit is obvious, it's just not to the rest of us.
The reason I'm getting all Mean Girls about things is I received a word from a friend in church this week. She said she had a picture in her mind of a single footprint in the sand and that I was talking to God about it. When He asked me what I saw I replied that it was the tracks of someone hopping, but God shook his head. He then looked at me and said, he's got one leg. Whilst my friend was telling me this she finished God's sentence with a ...duh!
You can see why I immediately thought of Karen, I'm a mouse...duh!
It made me smile so much. I laughed for a while, we both chuckled a little. I do believe that God has a good sense of humour, I can imagine him saying, he's got one leg...duh!
Isn't it so true that what seems obvious to us can completely perplex someone else? We all look at things from our frame of reference which is the layering of our experiences, background and education, as well as many others influences. Our understanding is shaped by our lives and what swims within us from our lineage. Although Mean Girls is a silly example it nods to this, we all see things differently depending on who we are and what we believe the world to be.
Things get lost in translation all the time, jokes fall flat, stories don't make sense or things don't impress people the way we thought they would. Have you ever said something in your head but when it came out it didn't really work? I do that all the time. I forget myself or assume people will catch the wave of what I mean, but unless we're good friends or family this isn't always the case.
Our viewpoint, belief, style, experience, taste, culture, background, everything plays a part in how we see things. Or rather how we decide to see things. There are lenses we can choose to wear to help us make sense of the world. These can be helpful ways of understanding or coping but they can also be limiting.
For example, when I look to my future, especially in relation to my creative calling, I generally feel a sense of dread and worry. Now this is not because I should be worried or that it's all going to be hard or awful, but rather that my viewpoint has been shaped by a history of wanting things to be safe and completely clear, I want to see things through the lens of control.
But right now I'm in murky waters, unknown terrain that I most definitely cannot control and honestly I hate it a lot of the time.
I'm uncomfortable.
I'm making art without a promise that I'll be make money from it.
I'm writing a blog and other things without a sense of exactly where to take them.
I'm working on projects where funding in reducing.
I'm starting other projects that are temporary.
I'm stepping further and further away from security.
A few people have commented on how I could do things differently.
I don't always know if I'm doing the right thing.
The only thing I can be sure of is that God is here too. I know this is where he is and this is where he needs me to be. He is stood upon the murky water asking me to step out of the boat and walk towards him.
So the question is, do I give up everything I know or seems obvious to me and my human, world shaped understanding or do I continue to wade into the water? Do I give up and take an easier way?
The question that has gone through my head A LOT this week is, but I'm so tired can I give up now? I really am tired and I don't think I can keep going, not in my strength anyway. My creativity has definitely been in a lull which always frightens me and makes me question things.
It's a scary and all too familiar feeling for me, do I give up and do the sensible thing now?
How do I always end up back here?
But there I was on Monday with my friend telling me this picture she had of what I considered to be a man hopping that God saw something totally differently. It made me smile thinking about how much my brain wants to rationalise things and seeks so desperately to live in what is clear and obvious. But God sees far beyond what it first presented, he sees all other potentials, possibilities and more than that, he knows and sees how things really are. Potentialities don't actually exist for him, he knows the ending, he made it. I love that he knows exactly what word he will give me just as I'm starting to feel discouraged again. He doesn't curse me, he reminds me lovingly that I just can't see the full picture yet.
Now, things are still hard, I'm having to push through the creative block I'm experiencing and I'm scared about a lot of things, but hey what's new? My capacity for being uncomfortable has definitely expanded so being stood here, still going is a testimony to the patience and grace of God. No matter how much I worry and question him he continues to hold me up and whisper, keep going, one day you'll see the full picture.
So I guess I'll do that, I'll keep going, he's not hopping he's got one leg...duh!
See you next week, Cath x
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