~ God told me to be an artist week 34.
Friday 4th August.
I don't know about you, but I always thought the best art came from angst. Historically I always found that I was drawn to artists whose work seemed moody or painful. If I trace back through my artistic awakenings it's struggle, agonising identity crises and lost love that are written across each of the artist's hearts.
I think most of us who are creative or interested in art search for the depth of the human experience in artwork. We want to be moved and walk through stories that we can relate to or be impacted by.
And where do we find the deepest emotionality? Usually in the gut wrenching pain of artists who are anything but happy.
Now this isn't to say that there are tons of artists who create from a more seemingly joyful place, there definitely are, but I've always felt the sense that as an artist my work is always better when I'm sad.
I've been thinking a lot about this recently, why is that the case? Why do I feel that? And what does that mean as I approach more calm and happiness in my life? I'm spending a lot of time and energy to heal and grow but is this going to make my art worse?
It seems like a weird but very high stakes trade, happiness but the cost my creative depth.
Uncomfortable questions have flooded my system as I've ruminated on this. Am I willing risking loosing my edge? Am I sure I was to do this? Art is all I know, what if my healing journey silences it or wipes it away?
And the scariest of all...if I become less able to make art, who will I be?
These questions highlighted something very quickly about where I place my identity. Now, I've been aware for some time that my propensity for overworking and my perfectionism go hand in hand and have formed a pretty large portion of my identity for some time, but I didn't realise how deep this all went.
The more I thought about the potential of healing and increasing levels of happiness negatively affecting my art, the more frightened I became. It shook me to my core and made me think about the fact that logically I know I'm more than my work, but there is a part of me that doesn't agree, there is something within me that needs to cling to this 'skill' or 'ability' in order to feel valuable and able to survive the world.
I'm pleased to say that all these questions and feelings came at the perfect time. As I mentioned in my previous post, last week I was away with my church at Focus, a christian festival where we spend time with our church community, our wider church network and of course God himself.
A couple of nights during worship I felt so tangibly the presence of God bringing a peace that allowed me to be still for a moment, to feel able to pause and just be. It was powerful. I also hear the repeated message I've been hearing for some time now that God needs me to pursue him and that all other questions I have about my calling will fall into place if I just do that. I heard that louder than ever with an accompanied sense that it is so important that I finally make this a priority. I also attended a talk which was so far beyond anything I could have expected about forming healthy habits.
Now, I've been to many a talk in churches, conferences where they talk about habits. It's usually pretty light and honestly a bit basic so I went in feeling a bit suspicious. The only reason I was there was because I couldn't stop thinking about it and felt a deep sense that I needed to be in that room. So skeptically I turned up and to my surprise I was blown away. The lead speaker and panelists talked about pace and silence in a way I'd never experienced before. I found the whole session both encouraging, practical, biblical and God breathed. It was incredible. The panelists real life experiences of taking inventory and finding ways to be flexible, realistic and honest with God were so humbling to hear.
I walked away feeling I could take inventory too. I could see that I was afraid of loosing some of who I am as an artist by healing and growing into a happier person, and actually feeling this way is okay. The feeling and the fear isn't the issue, but rather the desire to go against what God is calling me into, that is the real concern. The obsession I have with loosing identity by my response system changing needs to be placed in the hands of the Lord and he will show me how to move through development with his grace and mercy as I stumble and resist.
I felt reminded that God has placed purpose in me and he's not in the business of ripping something away to harm us. He wants to lead us out of damaging tendencies to move us into our promised land, a place where we can be whole.
He's loving, he's kind and I felt this deep feeling of knowing that God placed creativity within me for a reason, he's not going to take it away, he's perhaps just redirecting it's trajectory so I can use it for the purpose he designed, and right now it feels as if He needs me to go another way.
In the days that followed this great talk at focus festival I've found myself doing a couple of things. Some of them may be useful for you if you struggle in the area or want to lean into the direction and purpose God has for your creativity:
I'm trying to read my bible & spend time with God everyday - this one is simple, if I start my day with God I feel him closer throughout it. I need him more than ever and it's important I honour him with my time. I'm not perfect at this, but it's top of my agenda to keep trying and keeping working at it.
I've been reducing bookings in my diary - leaving space between things and not being so overly scheduled. I'm not as used to making art out of a more healed head space and I'm noticing that it takes more time, so in order to not feel like I'm drowning under self imposed deadlines, I've relaxed the reigns a little.
I'm prioritising peace - I'm trying my best to listen to the internal alarm that goes off within me when I am feeling overly urgent or panicked. Instead of reacting immediately, which is my natural response, I'm working hard to take a breath and be curious about the panic before I decide how to respond to this. Holy Spirit presence is essential for doing this, I can't pause in this way without him.
I'm wondering about the beauty that could come from a changing art practice - I'm trying to get excited about the possibilities that come from evolving creativity. Sure I'm starting to feel happier, sure this means my artwork is changing, sure I seem to find making a bit harder because of this. But also, when I persist and work through the uncertainty of this new terrain some truly beautiful things spring forth. This process is an echo of all the change I've experienced over the last few years as God has called me out into deeper waters. He's never let me down before, why would he now.
I'm reminding myself that the starving and/ or depressive artist doesn't have to be my identity - the obsession with struggle is a weird component of the artist persona. It's hard to be one without it. So I'm reminding myself that actually the human experience is so varied in it's emotions and every changing narratives and that my art can accompany me through all the seasons, that is doesn't have to be about being 'good' or 'bad' art, it's all just art, a reflection of my experience and the journey I've travelled. In other words, it all has meaning.
I'm remembering that above all else I should honour and point people to the original creator - when I remember that my art making isn't actually about me or my identity the 'self ness' of it all reduces and I can transfix my eyes on Jesus instead of my own insecurity.
I'll land here by encouraging you that whatever you do for work isn't everything you are and if you invite Jesus in, he will help you to discover how he really wants you to live.
See you next week, Cath x
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