~ God told me to be an artist, week 82. Saturday 3rd August.
I'm about to be 34. Excuse me! When did this happen? Now i know it's not actually old but i do feel like I was 24 a minute ago.
like everyone over the age of 30, with every new birthday comes the opportunity to reflect on where I've come and where i'm going. it is definitely becoming more intense a review with each passing year.
I've noticed the pull to deep self assessment grow these past few years. the demand I have placed upon myself to find every single fault is immense but this year i can't help but wonder if there is another way.
i said much earlier in the year i was in pursuit of simplification not multiplication this year. so, perhaps that is where i should start.
i don't know about you but i am a professional complicator. yep you heard me. I just love to make life that bit more complicated at every turn.
I like to find ways to add to a situation instead of taking away. it's my automatic approach, to increase not decrease.
I think it's that way for a lot of people, the world is so 'more is more' and when something isn't working it can be tempting and instinctual to see what's missing instead of what is too much.
it's a pattern i've been working on and addressing all year, but much to my dismay - it's not been an instant quick fix. it's a long and arduous process of noticing, trying another approach, making some progress, then slinking back into old patterns again.
it's been frustrating.
but.
and it's a big but.
this past week, i noticed how i was doing it again. I was trying to make things so much harder for myself. but i am pleased to report i was [eventually] able to kindly guide myself away from flustering busywork to retreat, calm and reflection.
if you know me, this is no small thing! let me share the experience with you...
on the back of a huge commission [public artwork in collab with council for taylor swift], then multiple residency and project grant rejections, it's safe to say i've been on a emotional rollercoaster.
the stress of living between extreme highs and lows has seen me pursuing more and more and more. i started to assume again that i just wasn't working hard enough. that I needed to immediately start booking more meetings, more activity, more hours, leading ultimately to approaching burnout and noticing my feet starting to slip.
but.
I told you it's a big but.
i stopped for a moment on tuesday afternoon this week and asked myself, 'why?'.
'why am i trying to force this?'
'why am i trying to put myself in a position to get unwell'
'why the constant berating?'
'why am i convinced these weeks of multiple rejections are leading to disaster?'
i can have such a fatalist mindset sometimes, like it's unbelievable how quickly i can jump there. throw my toys out the pram and say 'that's it. i'm done!'
I know I'm not done, it's just me being super dramatic because my tolerance for unknown is in a season of continuous expansion. As soon as i get comfy at one level, god moves it onto the next. it frustrates me immeasurably. it's non stop!
but. there's that word again.
but expansion is also the biggest flex. sometimes you pause in the middle of a behaviour and realise, 'wait, we don't do that anymore' and i definitely had a moment like this this week.
i observed a pattern. through asking myself 'why am i feeling like this and responding this way?' and i heard an answer arise.
I realised that when I'm unsure about the future on the other side of waiting I try and start a new thing.
just in case the old thing doesn't work out or to fill the space [and deafening silence] of waiting i immediately try and build a new thing and I do so aggressively. it's not healthy striving, it's manic, all-consuming pursuit.
i can't think, talk, notice anything but the need to scratch the itch to build something new when it arises. my boyfriend can attest to this with my 10 minute rambling voicenotes. he's patient praise jesus.
I simply cannot bear the seeing through of what is currently in my hands because deep down I just don't believe in god holding me up throughout.
it's simple really. do i actually believe that god will do what he said he was going to do? or am i going to have to take things into my own hands?
it's embarassing to admit this, but i hope this honestly helps you somehow.
I heard years ago that god wanted me to be an artist, and since then I've been trying to prove him wrong. all while he brings one miracle after another.
every year he shows up in new and magnificent ways, showing me his hands are all over my creative work, yet here i am, committed to starting up other 'more realistic' options just in case he's wrong.
in case god's not strong enough.
---
ooosh that stings. have i actually been out here believing he can't do it? he won't do what he said he would?
honestly, yes I have.
I can't fathom why or how he's going to sustain and build a creative life for me in these crazy and unpredictable times.
so I keep trying to fill every inch of space with other options that could 'take off' or catapult me out of this development and waiting season that never seems to end.
---
that's quite a realisation.
my complicating of life is not solely because of low self esteem, it's actually because i can't quite trust in god's word and what he is doing. I can't understand it so I'm refusing to accept it with my actions.
I'm multiplying the problems and feelings of discomfort in a desperate attempt to mitigate them.
it's ironic really.
and i don't really have the answer other than to invite myself to remember the statement i wrote about earlier in the year, that this time i would try simplifying not multiplying.
even further than that, It's an opportunity to point my actions in a new direction, to trusting and making room for what god wants to do. and practicing the trust process by being closer to him, his word and his promises.
to listen to his voice, not mine.
instead of filling up each crevice in my life with my back up plans, trying to turn everything into an opportunity to 'make it'. but to listen more intently to that voice that told me to pursue my creativity in line with his direction.
somewhere along the way i decided to pursue myself instead and it's just not working funnily enough.
know that i am not berating myself, i'm actually intrigued at what his way will look like.
maybe i'll try it this time.
simple - more of his voice & less of mine.
---
see you next week, cath x
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