~ God told me to be an artist, week 37-42
Friday 29th October, 2023.
I'm backkkk!!! If you follow me on IG you'll know I was in Northern Sweden these past 5 weeks and of course, it was incredible! I'm so fortunate and grateful that my best friend lives there, making it easy for me to go and exist in another world for a while. I can shake off the city and breath some different air.
I've missed writing this little blog, but I knew it was time for rest. I'm so happy that I can finally see that there are times where responsibilities just need to be reduced. Initially I felt a little guilty about taking such a long break, but as I eased into it, it felt really good to allow myself the time to be fully off the clock.
Anyone that's met me for a minute knows how much I love my trips to Northern Sweden, I'm pretty vocal about it, but something really surprised me whilst I was there this time. I've had the building feeling for a while now that I was supposed to move to Sweden. That the reason I loved it so much was because it was where I was supposed to be.
But, like I said, something really surprised me on this trip.
When I arrived, for the first week I actually felt pretty depressed. You can imagine my disappointment when I felt so blue and I didn't know why - wasn't Sweden supposed to be my happy place?
I felt like I was on a rollercoaster of all the heavy painful emotions, I was really really sad. People get sad sometimes Catherine - why are you so shocked [I hear you ask]. Well, I'm what you call a somatic processor, I feel pain firstly in my body, alerting me that there is mental pain trapped somewhere.
Body first, heart second.
So to just 'feel sad' without any accompanying pain is a very weird experience for me. Flare ups of back pain and sciatica have become such familiar warning signs to me that something isn't sitting well that I've come to rely on them to let me know how I'm feeling.
So why did my body feel healthier than ever but my heart and mind feel so beaten? I just didn't know and honestly it scared me.
I spoke to my incredibly wise friend Jenn about it and she smiled and said that sometimes, when we finally feel safe our bodies and minds process things that are stored within us. That much of our life, and even within ourselves, we can feel on alert or unable to truly feel at ease. But occasionally, there are places and people in our lives that make us feel safe enough and our inner worlds know it must grasp the opportunity to before it disappears.
So I think perhaps for the first time in many years I decided to allow my heart to feel my feelings, fully. To wade through all it wanted to traverse knowing that I was in an environment where people loved and respected me.
I made art, quite a lot of it. Drawing inspiration from the nature around me. It felt cathartic to wander into different spaces and interact with the land. I took photographs, made cyanotypes, sketched out ideas and wrote poetry. I found other ways to express creativity too, I found new recipes and cooked. I even baked, which I'm still a mega beginner at!
I noticed that in each of these creative outlets I wasn't seeking a perfect end product, a pattern for a recovering perfectionist. But rather I was finding physcial, bodily, expressive ways to move my body do my mind and heart could focus on processing the emotions. I allwoed my body to be engaged, but not overburdened with the pressure of too feelings.
I knew it was time to shift this weight, or at least some of it.
One day I was walking through the forest and stumbled across a little creek. It was on my friends land so I knew I could explore a little. There was a old boat tied up to a nearby tree and the water was moving so gracefully. I climbed up on the boat and sat for a while. I took videos and photos of my surroundings and just replayed the subtle flutter of nature in my headphones as I went to sleep.
The more I listened the more I heard. There are layers to nature, like a detailed painting, it continues to surprise you the more you pay attention.
During my trip I sat alongside many a river and I allowed it to flow over me, to make me weightless and quiet.
I wonder if this is the first time in my adult life my body has actually been quiet? Nothing was screaming, nothing was aching, I was just floating, giving my heart and mind the back up strength it needed to keep stepping forward.
I'm happy to report that as I nurtured my body and slowed myself down my feelings began to process and some pretty big shifts actually happened. Being with and exploring our emotions is a life's work, but some metaphorical heavy jackets where taken off in the swedish forest and I feel able to breath again.
Perhaps the answer isn't moving to sweden. Maybe it's collecting safe places along the way so you can always feel able to care for your body, mind and heart.
Also, any chance you get, make cyanotypes. It's the most fun.
Finally - I have an EXHIBITION coming up. It's a celebration of collage in collaboration with Maja Lorkowska-Callaghan in the beautiful setting of Penny Lane Church! The private view is 12th October 6-9pm! If you're local, come on down.
See you next week, Cath.
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