~ God told me to be an artist, week 8.
Friday 20th January 2023.
Hello again, thank you for being here once more. Those of you who mention to me that you're reading along have my whole heart. It's so kind of you to carve out a portion of your day for me.
You're great.
As you know, last week I listened to the still small voice inside that said not to apply for a job to back up my arty life. It was hard, it was a process to say the least, a lot of back and forth, but I did it and I'm very happy I stuck with that decision.
However, now I'm living in the strange place I'm calling the after. It's a weird limbo of knowing you're not quite where you want to be but that being here is an essential step in getting to the next destination.
It's such a bizarre state of existence. I've had a mixture of glorious and challenging days this last week which have caused me to think about this strange purgatory I find myself in. I thought deeply about why I was feeling so unsettled at times, like I was stranded in a new town or city and I didn't have any real means of navigation.
Then it hit me, I realised that I've never made it this far before. I've never existed in the after, its a whole new experience, that's why it feels so odd. Every time I have thought about or toyed with the idea of being an artist full time I have bailed by now, gotten another job to back it up that ends up taking over my life and making me miserable. No offence to the jobs or teams I worked with, a lot of you were great, it's just I was never supposed to be there. I was unaligned which for me, I'm discovering, is unbearable. The discomfort of living outside of purpose seems to far outweigh any financial stability that back up jobs can bring, hence the misery.
So this state I find myself in now, the after, is living outside of my usual patterns, the ones that although unhelpful have enabled me to feel safe or exist in the illusion of safety previously. I don't quite know how to inhabit this new space, it's unfamiliar terrain. Which makes sense when I look back at my week I see the super positive, rocket ship start I had on Monday & Tuesday followed by pretty awful Wednesday and Thursday where I felt completely incapable of this venture I have chosen to be on. A whirlwind indeed.
But thank God for therapy, honestly, praise you Lord for the gift of therapy. Thursday evening I spoke with my therapist and she reminded me that this discomfort I'm feeling is growth, that all growth, inevitable or chosen will likely have growing pains. I'm changing and although I feel nervous or afraid of the unknown, is it not true that I feel more aligned than ever before? The answer is yes, I feel completely aligned for the first time in my creative career. So why then does it feel so hard?
My therapist also suggested that in addition to fearing failure, that people can experience the opposite, a fear of success. This blew my mind, why would I be afraid of things going well? But the more we spoke about it the more I realised I always assume that I or something will derail anything that I cannot control, and this calling or purpose of God whatever you want to call it cannot be controlled. I can't be in the drivers seat, that's His spot. Control is how I've managed my anxiety and life for as long as I can remember, no wonder the feeling of being out of control is disorientating for me.
Isn't it strange that feeling aligned and feeling out of control can exist in the same space? This has perplexed me all week. How can they live together in one period of time, in one decision? But they do. It's all I've felt for the past few weeks, intense alignment, like I know I'm heading in the right direction and spiralling angst about being out of control, giving me good days and really hard ones right after one another. It's exhausting and I'm not sure how to manage it just yet.
I think it's a process, learning how to manage both in the same body, mind and spirit. The freedom of choosing God's plan brings elation but the process of surrendering shortly follows. Maybe this is why it's felt so impossible? Surrender, it's a process I tend to avoid. I always try and hold onto a small piece that's mine, that I can determine and manage, when actually God's calling me to surrender it all.
Everything.
When I heard the call of "you're an artist" it wasn't just a call to action, it was invitation to follow God, to let him take the reigns and to see his plan unfold instead of stumbling through my own.
As I write this blog and all these thoughts are echoing in my spirit I feel the sense of God asking me, "are you ready to follow me yet?". It's not an angry or impatient request, it's a gentle voice reminding me who is in control and who should always be the one driving. Him, not me.
Now that's not to say that we don't have a role in our own lives, of course we do, we have a very important role to play. But the reminder I feel today as I write this is that we do not need to have everything figured out, something I've been striving for my whole life. It's impossible, maddening and completely distracts us from the beautiful journey God can take us on if we simply surrender.
Don't worry if the concept of surrendering sounds impossible for you, it has been a mountain of a struggle for me, and remains so. It's not something I can switch on and feel good about every day so instead I'm setting the intention each morning to lay down all my worries and fears about the future and ask God what I need to do. It's not an exact science and many mornings I resist or throw my toys out the pram in frustration. But each new day, each new moment, I try again.
Even though some of the projects I've felt God ask me to pursue don't have an immediate pay check attached to them, I heard him ask me to do it, so that's what I'm going to do. The new ideas he drops into my spirit, I'm going to pursue them. I'm going to do my best to do my part, then He will do his.
And that's where I'm up to, intentionally surrendering every day to God's will, because otherwise this unknown would kill me. If I don't look to him for each new step I'll crumble because being out of control is not something I naturally like or feel able to tolerate.
Here's to the testimony that I know will be on the other side of this struggle.
I can't wait to share it.
See you next week, Cath x
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