Precipice ~

~ God told me to be an artist, week 11.

Friday 17th February 2023.

The definition of precipice is the be stood on the edge of a rock face or cliff, a steep one. A concept to me that sounds pretty terrifying, wouldn't you agree?

When you google, precipice of something, the definition varies slightly. It becomes 'a very steep or overhanging space: a hazardous situation'.

Again, not uplifting, if anything a pretty bleak position to be in.

Doesn't it feel like our world is stationed here right now? Each day approaching the precipice of another hazardous situation. Unfortunately not only walking to the edge of the rock face, but stumbling over in the abyss. Our world seems caught in a tidal wave of disaster and it's heartbreaking.

I sat in my office a lot this week with a very critical view of my place in such a broken and hurting world. The current state of so many countries made my problems feel pretty dwarfed and insignificant. There's a halting that comes with the feelings of insignificance. Have you ever experienced that feeling of wanting to do something, but not even knowing where to start.

My head condemns me a lot for worrying about things that don't come close to the struggles some people face. For example, my inner monologue will shout, how dare you worry about your finances, there are people in Turkey and Syria that have lost everything, whole families wiped out in a moment, how dare you.

The truth is my problems are smaller than people trying to salvage a life after earthquakes. They just are, theres no debate about that. But I've still been struggling to comprehend it all, as most of us are I'm sure.

The nerves and heightened anxiety I've been feeling for many weeks now, especially regarding my purpose, intensified this week as I thought about the world. As the never ending trauma of countless natural disasters laid heavily in my spirit I found myself second guessing everything.

This isn't the time to be reckless.

How can I take such chances and follow a whisper I think is from God?

People have lost everything and I'm dilly dallying with decisions that affect my stability.

How can I risk everything when some people's lives have been decimated?

What if my instincts are wrong?

Am I just being idealistic and self absorbed?

Again the phrase, how dare you, echoed in my mind.

I've felt pretty paralysed by these thoughts. Even writing this blog has been harder than all the other combined.

However, one thing each day has been a peacemaker, Februllage. I mentioned it in a previous post, the daily collage prompt challenge for the month of February. It's been a sanctuary for me, especially this past week. For a moment each day my mind is still, I can play, create and most importantly, not over think.

It's always been art and creating that has brought me through challenging situations. It's where my brain can wrestle with things in a different way. It's the one place the noise dissipates and I can feel free.

Carving out time to make something each day has been a life raft and it got me thinking, maybe I should keep going. Perhaps I should make time and space for art making every day. It doesn't have to be special or grand, just a quiet time to be creative and allow myself to play with materials. To let my internal narrative pause and allow another part of my brain come alive.

There's something powerful in the exploration of the things that speak to your soul. It's a kind a magic, and something that's unique to you. But like any kind of archeological discovery, you need to dig for it. I'm not sure of all the outcomes of spending more time in my creative zone, but I feel a deep connection to who I am in my core when I'm making things, so I think I need to do it more.

Will my art making fix all the problems in the world and my own life? No, of course it won't, but as I've made art everyday for the past few weeks I've felt closer to understanding what my part in the wider context of the world is. Does that make sense? As I'm excavating my internal world with each little collage I am feeling closer and closer to my purpose, to understanding why I'm here and how I can help.

The impatient part of me feels like a dog with bone, circling around this question, what is my purpose, what is my purpose. It's like an irritatingly long wrestling match and I'm getting pretty tired.

But...

...and it's a big but, when I'm art making and connected to creativity in some way I hear another voice. One that calmingly speaks to me, whispering, keep investigating here. It's quiet but it is firm, strong and I believe trustworthy.

So despite the chaos of existing in these tumultuous times a steadfast voice remains in my soul, reminding me that following it will not lead to a perfect fix for everything disastrous in the world but it will reveal the part I am to play in all of it. I believe it will show me how I am designed to contribute. There's something really comforting about that, I don't know all the steps to take, but there is one I can move into that will illuminate each in turn.

Hopefully, as I move, and keep creating art, my contribution to the world will emerge and I can live in all I'm called to be.

Side note, in my quiet time with God this week, whilst I was journalling I had an idea drop into my spirit. More than an idea in fact, it was an invitation to investigate a particular area. To research and to learn about it. It's stayed with me for a few days and it's been quite exciting so far. Other dreams and visions have been landing in my spirit too. Of course, the cynical, fear driven part of my brain is trying to come against these thoughts with ferocity, trying to pick it all apart. But the calm voice remains and calls me to trust and hold on for a little longer.

I wonder therefore if we can return to the starting point of this blog but reframe the idea of precipice? If the standing on the edge of something could be thought of another way. What if we're stood on the edge of the a steep cliff face, we're tightly holding our eyes closed and clenching our fists. Just trying to remain stable footed, convinced any movement will result in dire consequences. But if we would open our eyes for just a moment we'd see a safe place to rest our feet. It may be a ledge just below us or another spike of the cliff we could reach. This may require a step backwards, down or sideways, but it'd lead then to another stretch of land, another path. There could be another passage leading us to the rest of our lives. If we'd only open our eyes to look.

It may sound a bit far-fetched but what I'm illustrating (or trying to) is that being on the precipice of something new or surprising is dangerous, there could be hazards, but what if it's also a call to see what other routes are showing themselves? What if the apparent danger is actually just risk, a thing with potentially good and/or bad outcomes?

I just wonder if being on the edge of the new is only scary because we don't know exactly what to do initially, but by slowing down and taking a moment to centre ourselves and consider our options, we may unlock another level of life. One that doesn't thrive in the frantic but rather in the knowledge that we each have a purpose and we may need to patient and risk taking enough to uncover it.

I felt the deep call away from inactivity and paralysis this week. It's exciting and terrifying, this is my precipice moment. I am almost free, just on the edge about the step onto the ledge beneath me and walk in direction I never saw coming.

I hope for you, that if something beckons you, if something speaks to your soul and calls you into the deep waters that even in the face of hopelessness and a broken world that you would step out and trust the still small voice that says, follow me.

See you next week, Cath x