~ God told me to be an artist, weeks 45 & 46
Friday 3rd November, 2023.
Hello Hello! Last week I was in a writing black hole for a project I'm working on and I just couldn't steal myself away to write the blog! My apologies. I do enjoy writing but am only able to place my attention in one direction when I'm doing it, writing projects consume me that's for sure. But hey, I'm back!
It's been fun stretching this different creative muscle, writing is much newer to me than any of my other modalities, like collage etc. It's been this wildly liberating process of seeing what I can do. Although I've done bits of writing here and there, like this blog for example, this current project I'm working on is different. It's someone asking me to write something, it's an invitation to explore and develop as a writer.
It's exciting and terrifying. Mostly exciting. Just a little terrifying.
I know it's going to be a long process, growing as a writer, but I'm thoroughly enjoying the journey so far, even the challenging days. Now I mention that there are some harder days because, well, there are. Sometimes I stare at the blank page and every sentence that comes out just feels wrong. I can spend hours on a paragraph that ultimately needs re-writing.
The battle I face internally is that I am simply not a great writer. It's new [ish] to me and I'm not at the skill level I want to be. I can often find myself frustrated at my abilities, like I've mentioned before I am a perfectionist in recovery so a desire to be perfect immediately at things creeps in from time to time. I'm proud to be sticking with it though, years ago I would've never have gotten this far. If I didn't feel able to crush something quickly I wouldn't even try.
So trying, failing, getting a bit better, sucking for a minute, writing a few good sentences, getting feedback, re-writing, editing etc, is a process I'm so happy to be within. The perfectionism recovery is working, I'm in the trenches with this thing. I haven't given up.
That's progress baby!
For me there's always been something about collage that has felt like a safe experimental zone for me. For some reason I've allowed myself to make collage without scrutinising it so much. I think it's why it's always been a safe space for me and it's the backbone of my work and practice now. It's never been the enemy. Strangely my perfectionism has never stifled it. I believe God's protected it and it's now been such an important gateway to other things in my life and career.
As this to say, the ability to experiment with collage has allowed me to grow in it and to remain curious and keen to learn and try new things with it. I'm curious what could happen if I was freer to create more experimentally?
As I write this I'm reflecting on something that struck me earlier today. I spent the morning teaching art at a hospital. I've done this for a while now and love the work, but today was extra special. I worked with a few children/young people who had something in common, they were so experimental!
I presented them with marbling inks, something I often use with people as they seem to always go down a treat! Both the individuals I worked with today were so excited to throw themselves into the making. During their sessions they listened to my initial introduction to the materials but quickly found their own rhythm and style.
Within minutes they both told me their ideas, what they wanted to try next. They showed me new ways to work with the marbling inks and expressed such glee as I responded with 'wow, tell me more' or 'that's so interesting, what made you think of that?'.
I provided the materials and the focused attention, but they lead the creativity. It was stunning to witness.
I noticed how both of them were so connected to the materials in the moment whilst they were making. Neither of them seemed overly concerned with the finished pieces, every time they completed a marbling ink print they were keen to get back into the process and experiment again.
If you've never tried marbling inks before you pour water into a shallow tray then add inks and use a paintbrush to swirl the colours into each other in preparation for making a print from the mixture. There are several ways you can teach people to 'make a decent print', but neither of these artists wanted to talk much about that, they wanted to play, to carry out their ideas.
One of the individuals interrupted his focus several times to look at me with urgency and say, 'I've got an idea!' One time in particular he said, "let's not put the water in just yet.'" He was beaming and I responded, "Okay cool, what's the plan then?".
He grabbed the inks and started pouring them into the tray, without water. He even invited me to participate. When he felt their was enough ink in the tray, he asked for the tray and we both watched with bated breath as he poured the water on top of the inks. As he tipped the jug the water seemed to attack the inks in the tray and revealed a blended rainbow beneath them.
We both shrieked with delight as the rainbow was revealed to us. It's something I've never seen done or done myself with marbling inks before. It had come so effortlessly to him to try something he wanted to do. He also tried taking prints from the ink tray after the majority of the water had been poured out, he tried it all.
One of his final pieces he decided to title, Rainbow Smoke, it had been done through one of his unique and unusual methods. I couldn't take my eyes of it. It was so different, so beautiful, such a eye catching and strangely hypnotic piece.
When we were wrapping up the session he commented that he'd never done this kind of art before and he was pleased he'd been able to do it.
Now, I find myself thinking about my approach to new things, both the individuals I made art with at the hospital this morning jumped right in, they didn't place huge expectations on themselves, they even disagreed with suggestions from others, family or staff, they knew their own minds, what they wanted to create.
They were free.
They let one thing lead to another, the noticed the things that didn't produce the results they wanted, they considered what needed to be changed in order to try again and get a different outcome. They were deeply engrossed but also not dominated by a desire to be perfect. They were traversing the creative space and learning from their interaction with it.
And from this approach to creativity Rainbow Smoke was born. I wish I could show you the image, it was mesmerising and so wonderfully weird.
I wonder if any Rainbow Smoke moments will come for me in my writing journey, am I open enough to the process of discovery to bring about the possibility?
Of course with writing there is a certain amount of the process that requires feedback, refinement and technique development, but all of that I believe, must be accompanied by an openness to experiment, to listen to the instincts within me and try things out.
To put my inks in the tray before the water so to speak.
To all of you out there that feel trapped within the self imposed limits of your own perfectionism or fear of failure I hope we can walk bravely together into a new chapter where we release the possibility of experimentation and listening to the creative calls within us.
Let's take these steps together.
I want my Rainbow Smoke moment, and I want it for you too.
See you next week, Cath x
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