~ God told me to be an artist, weeks 74, 75, 76 & 77.
Friday 28th June 2024
Hi, Hi, Hi! I am so sorry I somewhat dropped off the face of the earth there for a minute. When I took this blog to every 2 weeks I thought that’d help me manage it better and write with even more focus on a variety of thoughts, feelings, topics etc. But in actuality the momentum subsided and all it took was a whirlwind project about Taylor Swift to knock me out of position entirely!
Yikes!
So, I’m back, stepping back into weekly offerings and as always, seeing how it goes. I’m practicing the art of being adaptable [not something that comes naturally to me at all] and what a lovely opportunity to try that out in real time!
I've also renamed the blog a journal. Because I like it, no other reason :)
High five to all the perfectionists in the room who want to do basic changes in direction without punishing themselves!! It’s wild the way we treat ourselves isn’t it?!
Anyhoo, so June has been totally bananas. I had a pretty big, fairly hush-hush commission and a ton of accompanying press, workshops, general wildness that came with it and if I’m quite honest, it knocked me for six.
The project saw me make a collage mural that was printed at a phenomenal scale in the centre of my hometown, Liverpool. It was epic but one thing I didn’t anticipate was a surprising question that arose during the process of the work being on display…”So Catherine, what’s next?”
I laughed at first. ‘What’s next!’, I’m still in the middle of doing this aren’t I?
But people weren’t joking, they saw I was doing something and immediately wanted to know, what next?
It shocked me and once the reality of that question set in I realised, I really didn’t know how to answer it.
A pivotal moment in my art career started to feel rather exposing.
Weird!
What actually is next, I started to ask myself.
Should I have something bigger after this?
Should I already be halfway through something else?
Should I have a ton of leads from this project?
In essence, every question that spiralled from this thought process was, ‘Am I where I’m supposed to be?’ A common place existential question for the career artist.
Before I knew it, there I was, I had stepped out of my own glow and into the shadows of this dooming question, “What’s next?!”
Panic!
I needed to interrupt this direction of brain travel before I lost myself completely. Fortunately, I have an insanely supportive partner and family who told me to enjoy the moment which helped in the interim. BUT. Like you may have experienced, existential/ future based performances or trajectory questions aren’t interim issues, they imbed themselves deep in your psyche and insecurity. Not only do they get comfy in your mind, the set-up camp.
They’re going nowhere fast, in my experience anyhow.
So, once the art project finished and I had made a decent job of holding my head together, to ensure I enjoyed the moment, the question resurfaced…
…what’s next?
I couldn’t shake it. Have you ever felt that?
Whether you’re at the start, middle or later stages of your art career it’s a question that comes from all kinds of sources and is often super destabilising.
You know why I think it’s so unnerving for me [perhaps it’s similar for you]? Because I receive the question as accusatory. Like it’s a comment on where I currently am.
I realised that this week, that I don’t think the question is the issue, but rather what I think it means.
‘What’s next?’ could be someone genuinely interested in my art career wanting to get hyped about upcoming artwork, instead of someone trying to expose the fact that I may not be sure.
It also might not be, but essentially, who cares? I can choose to interact that question with a posture of expectancy and courage rather than fear, can’t I?
It’s all about perspective I think, the one I hold about myself and the trust I place in my God, period. If those things are firm, what kind of power can a question really hold?
So, I ask you, is our response to the hard questions really our words, or the posture we stand in towards them?
In the face of the unknown are you excited or petrified? Are you okay with it maybe being a bit of both? And are you going to let fear about the future deconstruct everything that’s preceded this moment?
I’m asking you these questions as I also ask myself.
Perhaps we don't worry so much about what we say to the 'what's next?' question. Maybe we just smile, take a breath, lift our gaze and soften our shoulders knowing that we may know or we may not, either way, the potential is infinite and the best it yet to come.
Known or unknown, our art is moving and as long as we keep creating we are growing.
Maybe that's enough?
See you next week, Cath x
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