~ God told me to be an artist, week 4.
Friday 23rd December 2022.
The rain hammered on the windows, beating heavier and heavier with each passing hour. I lay there in bed, warm, safe and seemingly unable to move. I'd slept past the alarm, well not exactly, I had snoozed it for over two hours. Even after 9+ hours sleep I felt completely wiped, like I'd only just laid down my head, not rested at all.
This whole week has felt like a walking daze, a never ending longing for more rest, and more sleep. Especially last night when sleep eluded me completely. Lying there in my bed I was irritated that the place of rest I'd longed for all day was now holding me hostage in restlessness. The cruel irony.
Last night, as I lay staring at the ceiling of my bedroom I thought about my relationship with sleep. A weird love hate relationship where I'd never built a routine or any consistent pattern. I've always overslept or under slept my whole life, never having or establishing a rhythm of any kind, not one that I could stick to anyway.
Having a regularity to my sleep hygiene seems impossible for me, I can't understand how anyone does it really. I'm such a fluctuating person, we all are aren't we? How can sleep remain such a constant for some people amidst the chaos of life, it's just another part of the tornado for me. I never know how much I'm going to get or if it'll be deep and restful.
Sleep, and my ability to do it, is so enmeshed with how I'm feeling. If I'm overly anxious I can't get enough but when I'm feeling somewhat manic or on a creative energy high I can't stop my train of thought and hyper-fixation on projects enough to even try to sleep. This ultimately leads to very little sleep or sleep that doesn't begin until 2 or 3am.
I've always thought this was a fairly teenage way of being and that I'd grow out of it and find a bedtime and a morning routine when I grew up. But here I am at 32 with no signs of being in a rhythm at all.
Gloria Estefan told us in 1987 that the rhythm is gonna getcha, so I've got a bone to pick with her! Where is my rhythm? Where is my desire to sleep at a reasonable hour and rise with energy for the day ahead? I always assumed that my distain for the 'sensible life' I had built was the reason my sleep and self care was so destructive. I was unaligned and unsettled in my life, but that's different now, I love my work, I get to be a creative full time, it's a dream. Yet here I am, still finding resting and rising so challenging, just like I did when I was in the wrong jobs, when I was in the wrong life.
Maybe Gloria was talking about a different type of rhythm because I sure can't see any rhythm coming to get me anytime soon.
*Cheeky face* I know she was talking about a boogie. Anyway...
Still horizontal, in my bed thinking about how I couldn't sleep, I started to consider my whole approach to rhythm, asleep or awake and I realised, I have always been fairly atrocious with timekeeping. Now this doesn't mean I don't get things done, I'm an extremely hard worker and I meet deadlines however, instead of evenly spreading my work across a set amount of days I usually have an all or nothing approach.
When I'm full steam ahead it's actually unbelievable the amount I can get done.
*Subtle, not so subtle brag*.
It's been something that's set me apart from other people in jobs which I used to feel very proud of, but the truth is I would run at a unsustainable pace, racing past everyone, seemingly on top of everything, whilst crashing and burning in my own time. So I had no life outside of work. This season of my life was extremely destructive and has led to chronic back pain, sciatica which I have to now manage every day in order to stay well - so all in all, NOT WORTH IT.
Once I started healing this cycle several years ago in therapy I thought it'd be a quick fix. It was not, I'm only just starting to see genuine healing from this pattern now, 7+ years into therapy. It takes time to change habits, especially ones you built when you were young. Learning to reset your pace is a challenging and difficult undertaking indeed.
But here's the real clanger! Now I've moving forward and am learning new ways of being, I've noticed that I still don't know how to be off 'properly', or to do things at a reasonable speed. It doesn't come naturally to me to be considered in my steps, so when trying to set a more even pace to my day I often feel like I am moving in slow motion! Like I'm wading through treacle and watching myself from outside my body screaming "Come On!!"
Irritatingly, what I've also found is that trying to go slower often ends up in me grinding to a complete halt and I get stuck where I stop.
This all sounds rather fun doesn't it? Grim! Looking back I can't believe I've been battling this all or nothing living for so long. Because I've always been a reliable employee, or practitioner for a long time I didn't see much of an issue with being the one who suffered the consequences. I had work, I was delivering, people were happy with me.
~
Let me bring you back to last night, me lying in bed with all these thoughts about rhythm or my lack thereof whirling around my head. Safe to say I was waking myself up inside of winding myself down. Not easy or relaxing bedtime thinking.
After experiencing my head spinning for several hours, I suddenly felt a wave of clarity. An 'Aha!' moment, '...people were happy with me', 'people were happy with me', I repeated this thought several times over, it felt important and it stood out to me above the noise. That was the problem wasn't it? That was the driver. I was looking for human approval and it would never feel enough. Never.
The truth is human approval, acceptance or validation will never be enough, not for a self confessed control freak/ perfectionist like me. It's an impossible goal.
One that I have been literally loosing sleep over for years.
I decided to camp out here in this thought and encouraged my mind to keep unpacking this it.
The outcome of living this intensely has always been the same, I deliver what I promise to those I wanted to impress, but, and it's a very big but, I always end up burning the candle at both ends every time. I make it over the finish line and the work is of a high standard, but a little part of me gets broken along the way.
My head continued to tick over...maybe I was figuring something out here.
The focus or unhealthy striving I've always had has been pointed at earthly approval. A self absorbed and self erected solution to old wounds. A bottomless pit. A raging sea.
No wonder I haven't slept well in 20 odd years.
So how does this revelation help me solve my sleep pattern problems? The truth is I'm not completely sure. But one thing I've noticed in recent weeks, especially this last one, is that God is revealing new understanding to me about the way I am. He's giving me clarity around puzzles that have confused for years!
This feels hard each time to swallow another truth about myself that I need help with, but it's always followed by a deep sense of encouragement that God is not asking me to work on these things alone.
My patterns are built through self protection, and like many parts of my heart God is asking me to invite him in.
Here's a little prayer we can say together, if you're like me and you can't seem to pace your life on your own in healthy way, whisper these words to God. He will help you. I'm saying them with you.
"God, thank you that you love me so much, too much to leave me as I am. Sorry that I have tried to do things in my own way and without your guidance for so long. Please help me with my rhythms, my pace and way of being in each day. Help me to lean on you and allow the Holy Spirit to help me move more considerately through my day. I know you have a plan for me and I want to stay aligned to and energetic enough to stay on course, please help me to rest so I can stay the path. Thank you Lord for new life in you. Amen."
I'm hoping that soon I'll be sleeping soundly, beneath the peace of God , knowing he's awake, watching over everyone and everything. My prayer is that you will also.
The Sleeping Beauty, 1921. John Collier
See you next week,
Cath x
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