~ God told me to be an artist, week 60.
Friday 23rd February 2024.
It is safe to say I feel a slight panic these days.
I've been intentionally trying to move slower this year, only to be hit head on with a multitude of reasons to want to pick up the pace. Interestingly all the challenges that have set me in a spiral have all been about money. More specifically my fear I have around it running out. From unexpected bills, to changes in work opportunities, with a couple of rejected applications to boot. My utmost fear felt as if it was coming true in January, a couple of circumstances changed and it life felt very precarious all of a sudden.
Why do I share this? Well, when your art practice is also your source of income it's really freaking hard to keep your sanity. I really want to show a little love and compassion to all those out there who are working to build a different type of life and are just plain tired. For everyone in the 'slog' season where it all feels like a moving jigsaw puzzle that can be almost complete then fall apart in your hands within a moment.
You may not be a creative freelancer but I'm sure there are areas of your life where 2024 has kicked you square between the eyes. The rising cost of everything has likely given us all a moment of panic in recent months.
Now, I don't want this blog to be about not panicking or telling you to just stop being afraid when life or circumstances are scary. Sounds weird but hear me out. I don't want to shame you into blind optimism but I want to talk about the physical act of lifting your head, closing your eyes and breathing. It's a little something I do when the panic is rising and my legs feel as if they're about the buckle underneath me.
Feeling your feelings and allowing them to work through your body is okay.
It really is, I promise. We're all allowed to be human, even if we really don't want to be sometimes.
It took me so long to realise that 'feeling my feelings' wasn't a hideous, weak or embarrassing thing. Acknowledging that something is big and taking up space in my mind is worth doing because I don't want it to sit in my body forever, I want it to eventually leave or become much smaller. It's not as simple as out of sight, out of mind, I don't think many people can compartmentalise long term without some issues or side effects.
Our feelings simply have to go somewhere, and often as a creative we have a pretty awesome outlet for said feelings, art making. But I must admit 2024 and it's whirlwind of anxieties has got me disconnected from any desire to do that even.
So, instead of artmaking to process, I'm either sitting or lying down when things get super duper stressful - I'm lifting my head up, closing my eyes and taking a deep, deep breath.
Following a few rounds of breathing the feelings rise to the surface and when they do I:
Let myself cry if I need to.
Take a break to have no expectations or output.
Admit when I'm not okay and allowing myself to sit in that for a little while.
It's not about camping out in a particular feeling, but allowing it to exist in the same way I would allow joy or humour to. All emotions happen and all need to be seen and experienced in order to safely pass.
The breathing helps. It's a physical motion that reminds me that every state is temporary and that it can eventually move. I know a lot of people talk about breathing, and this is nothing new, but I just wonder if some of you need reminding to breath at the moment.
Whether you're a burned out creative or someone just holding a little too much right now in this crazy 2024, remember to breathe.
Sit or lie down, lift your head, close your eyes and breathe.
Breathe for as long or as little as you need to and remember, this too shall pass.
And if it's your flavour hold onto scripture and let it's truth wash over you as your inhale and exhale:
"He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven." Psalm 107:29-30 NIV.
As an artist I want to want to be creating things, but right now I just don't. So, I'm going to do my breathing and repeat this scripture to myself and ask the Lord to show me his peace.
I know there are wonders on the other side of these waves of panic.
I know that ideas will flow when the time is right and that now, all I need to do is be still and acknowledge what's going on inside.
And make a little more space between all that's swirling around in my mind.
Being an artist is so much more that your final artworks, it's more than the process of making them even. It's the navigating and traversing of the entire landscape that's inside of you, working the land, exploring it, enjoying it, in order to find the gold.
I think that's the same for being human.
Get to know the world inside yourself, it'll probably be hard and definitely beautiful.
Don't forget to breathe.
See you next week, Cath x
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