~ God told me to be an artist week 13.
Friday 3rd March, 2023.
Ever noticed how after a mountain top, or a high there is so often a low? A crash or an undermining of the elating feeling that comes with achieving something or going beyond what you thought possible?
My sister and I climbed Mount Snowdon last week. I still can't believe we actually did it, I'm so proud of us. The ascent was challenging I'm not going to lie. I needed quite a few breaks when facing steep or icy parts of the path. I needed lots of water, to pace myself and to remember to breathe deeply as I asked my body to move much more strenuously than it usually does.
Many people walked quicker than us, had sturdier shoes or walking poles (I've got to get me some of those). It wasn't easy, but we did it! We made it to the top. I felt like crying when we got up there. We high-fived and hugged multiple times, congratulating each other saying 'we did it', 'I can't believe we did it!'
Hilariously as we reached to top, we had to wait in a queue to get our instagrammable top of the mountain photo. After about 15 minutes of freezing our lives off (it's so cold at the top), we finally reached the front and were able to stand and smile for our picture!
I felt unstoppable at this moment. I was overcome with feelings of happiness. I was so elated that we had prepared our food and water the night before, gotten up early, and after a slight delay trying to figure out parking, we went on our way. We'd actually done it, on a Saturday too!
We had pushed ourselves out of our comfort zones and achieved something big. I'm not a big walker, honestly until a few years ago I didn't like being outside or in nature much at all. But there's no feeling like it right? Completing a challenge, committing to something and seeing it through. It's so rewarding it's ridiculous. We're discussing where to walk next - so unexpected, so freaking cool!
I walked away from this Snowdon climb feeling stronger than ever, believing that it compounded the persistent feeling in my spirt that there is something big on the horizon.
Monday came and I still felt the residual strength of Saturday's achievement.
For the whole day on Monday I was smiling. 'I am in a new season', I thought as went about my activities and tasks. Something I didn't expect to be able to do I completed! 'This is further confirmation that God is moving me into the next stage', I said to myself. It was glorious, I felt so encouraged. I felt like I was walking around with a protector shield covering me, impenetrable, indestructible. It was awesome.
But, like any high, there was soon to be a low. I didn't expect it, but the awesomeness quickly got trampled by uglier feelings on Tuesday.
Tuesday hit me square between the eyes. The crash following the high I thought I'd avoided came like a tidal wave of doubt. Wednesday was much of the same.
*Eugh*
Old patterns of worrying started creeping back in. It was like the return of a cold shortly after surviving one - it's like 'really, again? I thought we just got over this?'
It was frustrating and deeply discouraging.
Ever experienced this, an old pattern of thought dominates you after you thought you had dealt with or healed from it? It's like the return of an unwelcome visitor.
*Double eugh*
I tried to challenge this fear in my spirit, I got a bit narky (grumpy) with it if I'm completely honest. I started speaking to these feelings out loud. It helps that I live alone, I can have fun blown conversations with my thoughts, feelings and spirit!
I started with a little, 'I just climbed a mountain!'
Then onto, 'I really felt encouraged last week by God that I'm on the right path'
Finishing strong with, 'I got an unprompted word from God through someone at church on Sunday!'
Stomping around my house and my mind, 'how can I be back here?', I thought. How can I be worrying about everything so intensely again?
The mountaintop now felt like a valley, like I'd just fallen off the edge into an abyss.
In such a short space of time, 'how could everything flip upside down?' I muttered to myself.
Tuesday and Wednesday were not fun days.
Thursday came and I snoozed the alarm so many times. Like an unbelievable amount of times. I felt the waves of avoidance come over me, a big sign that I am not running right. You may be familiar with that feeling, it's the deep urge to pull the duvet over your head and let anxiety control the day. Thank goodness I had an appointment fairly handy which dragged me out of bed.
I reluctantly got myself ready, walked down the the bus stop and sighed heavily in my spirit.
The last few days I had felt as if I had taken a million steps backwards. Like my building resilience and growing strength were being attacked and dismantled. Just at the point I felt I was about to move forward in purpose, things felt as if they were crashing down around me.
As I walked to the bus stop with these feelings clinging heavily to my heart, I felt a nudge to listen to a podcast I had downloaded. It was an episode of 'Equip & Empower' by Christine Caine.
If you know Christine Caine you know she's not a gentle speaker - she's a powerful, passionate and inspiring woman of God and she goes hard! I love her energy usually, but honestly, on this cold Thursday morning I wasn't in the mood for her intensity.
But something in me put on my headphones and pressed play.
I sat on the bus, listening to Christine talk about how important it was for us not to quit. That our race is a marathon not a sprint and it was going to be uncomfortable at times but if we quit we'll be forgoing what we were built for. She explained that our feelings can't rule everything, and this hit me deeply. My feelings can be very powerful and overwhelming.
She said that the things that are weighing on our hearts need to be laid at the feet of Jesus. That there could be a range of concerns that block our ability to keep going. She was right, there were multiple things I was still trying to control and was definitely starting to feel buried beneath the weight of again.
As I listened to the podcast, something softened in my heart.
I felt deeply in my spirit that the attack I'd experienced these past few days, the one that had reawakened my anxiety, wasn't a step backwards, it was actually a confirmation. A confirmation that I needed to keep going. Despite the fear and feelings, I needed to keep going.
The attack was a confirmation that...
...the sea is just about to part.
...a way in the wilderness is up ahead.
...that the precipice feeling is real
...and the next chapter, and provision associated, is indeed being released from heaven.
And finally that my creative calling is about to start unfolding with more clarity.
*Woah*
I knew in this moment, after listening to the podcast, that I can be excited about the power which is coming against me and my little anxious brain. It's the enemy trying to distract me, trying to drown me, trying to take me out before I step more fully into what God has called me to.
That it makes sense that he would try and drag me back right now because the trajectory I am on is moving me closer towards what God built and purposed me for. If I move more into purpose then my existence becomes a threat.
No wonder the enemy keeps coming back in familiar ways and patterns to try and capsize me. It's easy to do, I'm weak, I'm human.
But here's the good part, the enemy can topple me but he can't topple the will of God. He cannot destroy what we place in God's hands or when we rely on His strength not our own.
What revelation to have a bus ride in Liverpool!
As I dismounted the bus I walked into my appointment at a local hospital. I was having my DBS documents checked for a artist residency I will doing there in the summer and I smiled from ear to ear. God has not revealed the whole plan to me and he likely never will, but the call to use my creativity to serve people is real, and here was an opportunity that had found me to exercise this. So powerful.
So, it's been a week. A full on, mammoth week but I'm walking away feeling encouraged. Although I've been through the ringer, the attack I experienced in my mind on Tuesday and Wednesday is my guarantee that I am on the right track.
I am encouraged that things are about to unfold in a way I could never have imagined for my good and His glory. That I am walking into a purpose that isn't actually about me, it's bigger and much more outward focused. It's playing my part, using my gifts from God to serve others.
Just like when I was climbing Snowdon, I was tired, but you better believe I kept climbing till I reached the top! I remember my sister encouraging me as we walked, "We're almost there". I need to speak this over each new day, inviting God in and stating, "We're almost there!"
There is a promised land on the other side of this storm.
Theres a mountaintop on the other side of this climb.
Hallelujah! God is so good.
If He's able to support me into purpose, the little anxious control freak who never wanted to take a risk, then He can and wants to do it for you too.
"If there is breath in your lungs, there is purpose for your life." Christine Caine.
Be encouraged, if the attack feels strong, that's likely because you're closer to breakthrough than ever before. Don't try and figure it out alone, talk to God, He will show you how to move.
See you next week, Cath x
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