~ God told me to be an artist, week 19.
Friday 14th April.
If you follow me on instagram you may have seen that I was fortunate enough to win an art competition recently. It was a pretty amazing experience. I got to create a piece of artwork that I thoroughly enjoyed making, photograph it in my church, reconnect with the installation part of my art practice, write about it and a panel of judges liked it all enough to award me first place. Surreal!
A day or two before the competition winners were announced I remember suddenly, out of nowhere, feeling this strange but overwhelming joy. The reason it seemed so bizarre was because it felt celebratory when nothing was happening in that moment. My heart was warm, fluttery but also amazingly peaceful. I've never experienced such a feeling before without having a particular event or reason to attach it to.
I remember at the time wondering if it was God was giving me a hint of something wonderful up ahead? Is this about the competition I thought? I recall catching these thoughts and muttering, no, it can't be, to myself. No matter how hard I tried to distract myself my mind continued to ruminate and flood with questions.
So when I checked my phone on prize announcement day to see my name and my artwork, 1st place, I felt the same sudden rush of feelings I had experienced just a couple of days earlier. Just this time they were intensified.
A sense of I told you so, echoed in my spirit. It was strange and actually freaked me out to be honest. It couldn't be my voice - the other entrants to the competition where great, any one of them could have won. So was it God? Why would he tell me in advance of the outcome? Why not wait 2 days for me to find out myself?
Looking back I wonder if God wanted me to receive the spirit of celebration from him as the breakthrough and blessing were actually gifts from him. It makes sense, that way I don't forget him in moment trying to claim the victory as my own. Or perhaps it was also something more intimate, perhaps he wanted us to just share the moment together before other people got involved? Just the two of us, I love that.
Do you want to hear something really wild though? Ever since receiving the amazing news of the win all I've felt bouncing around in my spirit is the words, that wasn't even it. What a strange little sentence. I batted it away at first, you how sometimes you hear something and your brain just repeats it to you like a parrot. I put it down to that, I must have heard it somewhere, in a TV show, in a song or conversation.
But it keeps on coming, popping up uninvited in my thoughts...
that wasn't even it...
that wasn't even it.
It's not been 24/7 consistent but it has been repetitive, enough that I've started to pay attention to it.
There's an IG video that I saw a while ago of a singer from the US talking about hearing from God. She describes singing to God, God you can blow my mind, and he replies, I'm about to do it.
This isn't a new video, but it makes it's round around social media, with different people representing it or mixing it with something else, you know how it goes. However, I haven't heard it in a while, but these past few weeks it's popping up everywhere and I get shivers when I hear it. The video sends my mind directly to that repeated thought I've been having...
that wasn't even it...and it arrests me deeply! What is God up to?
As I've allowed myself to be curious about this phrase, and the signs that gesture to it, I've noticed a further thought come into play. This is less of a sentence and more of a theme.
It's to expect the unexpected. That I don't have it all figured out when it comes to purpose. That I'm an artist sure, but God has something multifaceted up ahead. All I feel sure of is that it will be something I couldn't have predicted, not usually what I like being a perfectionist/ control freak in recovery but there it is, something surprising is up ahead. I just know it.
As excited as I feel about it, I've spent quite a few days over the last week feeling uncomfortable again. It's astounding how quickly I forget how trustworthy and good God is when I run into something unclear. As soon as anything feels blurry or unknown my whole self reverts to human limits and decides I need to be afraid again. Literally a week ago I get a financial breakthrough and here I am scared again that God won't come through in a new situation. God's patience blows my mind, as I so easily fall into fear again and again and again.
The more I think about it, the phrase that wasn't even it, shouldn't strike fear into me, it should set me on fire! The recurring thought that God is moving me into something multifaceted and unexpected soon shouldn't cause me terror it should bring me joy and thankfulness. God is more than happy to help me cross over the negative head space to the peaceful and excited one, starting at my pace and increasing speed as he strengthens me. I don't have to do any of it alone.
I'm trying to start thinking of it this way, throughout my whole life there have been times I have seen God provide, resolve and restore things. From the small right up to the gigantic. I've smiled gently to myself and fallen to my knees in tears in response to the things he has done. If I recall just a couple of these experiences and testimonies in the midst of storm or feeling of fear surely it will lift my head to the one who is not in the business of letting me down. It will remind me that in the unknown he moves in ways I can't comprehend.
Christine Caine says, impossible is where God starts, miracles is what God does, so with that in mind, shouldn't the headspace of how will this possibly work out a fantastic place to be? Another thing that's been really helping me is reminding myself that being in a position of growth or favour is a blessed and amazing thing but that doesn't mean it always feels that way.
It is uncomfortable. This season has been really uncomfortable, that's just the truth. However, I look back at my tolerance for discomfort and how much it has grown, how much more I am able to put my trust in God's provision and direction. Even though I'll never be perfect at this, I'm progressing, improving with each new trial or obstacle. Growth is in preparation for a new stage or for more, aren't those things that I want?
The cover image of this blog is taken in Australia when I lived there in 2018/2019. I remember taking this image after watching my shadow move across the tomb like terrain that lay beside the path I was walking along the coast. I remember thinking it was like a piece of art that my shadow was part of, and although it wasn't all that clear it was me, I knew it was. I was just represented in another way, part of something else, something new. As I was writing this post I was reminded of this picture and how unbelievably far I have come since my trip to Australia.
When I look back it makes me laugh because I know I would definitely of declined the invitation to this season I'm in now if I knew what it was going to cost me. Australia was where I was saved [I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that before, a few times], and in many ways it felt like the climax of an orchestral crescendo, the big finish. Little did I know, it was merely the start of particularly vibrant, long and hard to follow piece of music, one that would continue to play for many years to come. When I looked at my shadow decorating the Australian rock I had no idea what was ahead. I was walking along without a clue what God was inviting me into, especially in terms of my relationship with him, others and my creativity.
Following this trip my creativity has opened back up, and broadened in ways that have surprised me hugely. Unexpected blessings, rejections and redirections have arrived in all kinds of ways these past few years. I believe this is another sign of God moving me out of my creative comfort zone into new areas of practice. That he's setting me up for curveball, the unexpected.
I would highly recommend paying attention to skills and especially opportunities to develop new skills that continue to open up for you. God is extremely consistent, and no matter how he chooses to display that or communicate that with you he will likely show you something repeatedly until you notice or decided to pay attention to it. That's how he's communicated with me over the years for sure. Especially in the recent months I've started to see patterns of opportunities to lead and an increasing desire to write. I believe that God wants to develop me in both these areas because he has kingdom purpose in it and I'm not ready where I am to carry what he has made me to do.
So take inventory, write things down that you notice. The reflecting, remembering and jotting down of the repeated things that keep coming up or being available to me are anchoring me in this season. The focus is not so much on the things themselves but rather what God might be trying to tell or show me through them, it keeps my eyes and my heart on Him. When I stray from God's presence and into my own wants or desires [the devil comes for us all, all the time] devotionals are a catapult back to God's heart and his plans for me his world. If you don't have a daily devotional book I would highly recommend getting one - game changer! I'm not amazing at just reading my bible I need a little help working my way through, devotionals have been a life saver for this! I think of this season like a meditation practice in the sense that my mind and body are constantly pulling me away from God, but I just need to keep coming back, keep refocusing myself on Jesus and ask The Holy Spirit to help me take another step. Get distracted, come back, say sorry, get distracted, come back, try again and so on and so forth.
Each return to Him makes me a little stronger and reminds me of who has me in his hands. A pretty incredible thing to return to after the exhaustion of wandering off in your own strength for a while.
Gosh we're lucky to have a God like we do. We're so fortunate to have skills, gifts and opportunities to serve each other and our world. It's amazing that we have purpose and a role to play that was specifically designed for us.
It's still a bit scary this idea of so much of the future being unknown but if this internal whisper, that wasn't even it, is God then I know he's about to do something that will completely blow my mind.
I can't wait for this testimony and sending love to all of you on your own journeys with figuring out and following purpose.
See you next week, Cath x
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