~ God told me to be an artist, week 30!
Friday 7th July , 2023.
Hello! Before I begin rambling, the blog is super short this week. Short but so so sweet. I hope it speaks to and encourages all those who have worn themselves out, especially those whom God is calling into rest.
I can't remember if I've mentioned/ forgive if I have, but I trained to be an art psychotherapist and I worked in that capacity for several years. I worked with men in suicidal crisis, refugees, asylum seekers and adults experiencing a range of mental health issues. It was challenging but rewarding work. It was something I thought validated my creative passions and fed the need within myself to rescue and support people.
Let me clarify, having the internal desire to help and support people is not in itself a bad thing, but for me, over time it became a necessity, pretty much the only thing that made me feel value and gave me worth. It was my identity, it met an internal need to be part of other people's healing in a very deep and involved way.
Basically, it was too much.
It regularly led to seasons of burnout, which were pretty horrific, but it bolstered the broken pieces inside me that needed to be needed, pretty dysfunctional. I was a safe and considerate practitioner, but the cost was to my own mental health and wellbeing. Every ounce of me went into everyone I supported at work.
It was a strange but familiar cycle that, despite breaking me down into pieces, was all I'd known for such a long time. Safe to say I was surprised when God started speaking to me about giving it up, art psychotherapy & chronic overworking that is. It was the only way I knew how to operate and I'd spent so much money is training for it, I felt like failure to even entertain the idea of not being a psychotherapist anymore.
I remember finding alternative solutions in my mind and presenting them to God, why don't we try this instead? A firm but gentle, No, always followed. Honestly, it was incredibly frustrating. As I continued to argue, God's stance remained the same. If it wasn't No I was heard it was other infuriating phrases like pause, rest or even be still.
For a control freak workaholic this felt like someone asking me to take a bath in acid. Everything in me was addicted to the struggle, the unhealthy striving, the back breaking pain of pushing through my limitations, and any boundary that stood in my way.
Work was life and everything I thought about, it's no wonder it's been the biggest area of conviction and transformation I've experienced in my Christian walk so far.
So, just to place this process in time, God began speaking to me about all this approximately 3 years ago, not long after I'd started my own business and it's been a slow but consistent process of surrender. I definitely believe God placed entrepreneurial & creative gifting in me but initially I was intent on exploring this in my way and strength which of course wasn't God's plan.
The amount of No's I have heard from God during these 3 years has been unbelievable! So so so so many. I found it pretty punishing for a long time, which totally clashed with the image of God I was being taught about in church and the one I had encountered before. I began to experience what felt like God reducing me, which I found rather unfair and fought him on it time and time again.
How could he ask me to be an entrepreneur and then not work a million hours a week to see it work? I was outraged that he would place me in a freelance profession then ask me to be still and wait for him. Was he joking? Didn't I need to hustle to keep this breaking even, let alone make any profit.
Why were all my ideas rejected?
Why was he so rigid about pausing and patience?
WHY WHY WHY???
It wasn't until fairly recently, the last few months to be exact, that God shared with me the answer to all my frustrated why questions.
He had to keep saying No because he's not in the business of blessing plans that have only personal desire, intention or a warped view of success behind them. He's in the business of supernatural vision, eternity focused opportunities and the weaving together of everyones gifts for the greater good of humanity and ultimately for his glory.
Basically, what he has for me, isn't really about me at all. And all the broken pieces in my heart, that I was trying to fix through work, he wanted to heal for me through our relationship and time together. His plan is to invite me into the process of moving work out of the primary seat in my identity so Jesus could sit there. That this surrendering of work was never about punishing or reducing me, just adjusting my vision so I can begin to see outside of myself. It makes sense that he would have to say No a lot to me, I'm always running full steam ahead into things without thinking, his boundaries are a kindness, they literally slow me down. Which despite what I may think, I need to do more often.
God's No's are in fact a gift.
Not all gifts from God look like presents. They may challenge the very core of your being and identity which is extremely uncomfortable and even triggering at first. But ultimately, they are moving you toward a deeper peace and connection with King Jesus and are sanctification, the process of becoming more like him.
Like any process of transformation or growth, there are pains that go with it, but in the end the rewards and place you land are better and aligned to what you were created to be. That alignment is an antidote to a striving and lonely human heart, seeking love and acceptance in all the wrong places. It really is.
The kindness of God means that he doesn't drag you through the process, he accompanies you through it and gives you the reminders and encouragement that you need for the journey.
For example, yesterday I was sat in a Christian creative event in London when one speaker talked about the freedom in limitations. She explained that understanding our limitations and the ones God sets around us can actually help us regulate our movements and builds in time for rest and restoration, that its truly trusting in God. That we don't need to be moving in our individual capacity, but rather in his.
All this to say, where in your spirit are you fighting a No?
Perhaps lean into it and be curious about what god may be saying to you.
Obeying his No's [eventually] continues to change my life.
Maybe be open to it?
See you next week, Cath x
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