~ God told me to be an artist, week 22.
Friday 5th May, 2023.
Have you ever been to a restaurant where the choices seem endless? Like the image that accompanies this blog, it's overwhelming and somewhat off putting right? When everything is available I often find myself either ordering the first familiar dish I see or asking someone else what they're having. Forget about it if there's pictures too, my stomach switches off and all I want is chips. You can't go wrong with chips.
You'd think that having all the breakfast items in the world would be the best way to start the day but for many of us it has the opposite effect, it can be paralysing, it definitely is for me anyway. The fear of ordering incorrectly can be so consuming that we can end up making bad choices or in my case just repeating myself, ordering the same thing over and over again. Repetition isn't such a bad thing for some people but for me it starts to kill my appetite, I lose some of my excitement for the meal. It's too safe, but I'm too afraid to go off piste.
I've done it so many times where I've been sat next to a confident diner who tries a plethora of different things and although some may not hit the mark, certain items end up being a culinary sensation that brings such joy and excitement. In moments like these I look down at the meal I've ordered a million times before I feel a bit jealous.
In recent years I've tried harder to be open to ordering incorrectly in the pursuit of discovering new and exciting things. It has paid off more times than not, but when it's bad, it's really bad. I've found that if I check out a menu the day before I'm due to dine somewhere (when this in possible), the shock of the choice isn't so bad and I can choose from a narrowed down list I've created for myself in advance. This is my work around and so far, so good.
The only problem is when you eat spontaneously, there's no prep time, no narrowing down, you're on the spot and you've got to choose. It's a weird thing to get so stressed about if you think about it, but my sister and I often talk about the panic ordering that has led to so many disappointing or just plain bad food choices. On the one hand what a blessing it is to be comfortable to eat out and try new foods, how fortunate are we to be able to travel to other countries and sample their food. It's a huge blessing to be faced ginormous menus and seemingly unlimited options. However, it doesn't always feel this way, not for me anyhow.
I find my brain, and the way it is wired, seeks to make 'the right choice', that it's not actually always about being over faced or having too much to choose from, I'm seeking to be right. What a strange thing to want to be right about, dinner, but I'm pretty sure this is why it can be such a big choice for me, one that often requires prep the night before!
Let's pick this a part a little, why would a person get their knickers in such a twist about ordering the right dinner? If I'm truly honest with myself it's not about dinner at all, it's just another way my perfectionism is manifesting, allowing my fear of failing to emerge. It's been such a journey to reduce these entrenched habits from my work place that they tend to appear in unusual and unexpected places. I'm so glad to be taking more risks in my work but the intensity of other experiences and environments is at times heightening, making me wonder if the perfectionism is reducing or simply being displaced from one area of life to another?
Writing this down is quite confronting, I can feel myself start to feel a bit deflated, but let's catch that thought and have a quick reality check. For any of you perfectionists out there, catching thoughts and reality checking them in real time is a super useful tool, it's grounding and reminds you that your brain can play tricks on you and disguise your progress just because everything's not perfect yet - something I also remind myself is not possible anyway.
Reality check one - I am taking more risks in my purpose and career and this is exciting as well as scary, it's only natural that my mind feels a need to increase control somewhere else, I'm only human.
Reality check two - I've been trying new things in restaurants for a while now which is great, so if I need to order a familiar dish sometimes what's the harm in that? What's the harm in eating something you like?
Reality check three - Sometimes I do feel a powerful urge to make 'the right' decision but generally I am able to move through it quickly and this shows how much my tolerance for the unknown has increased.
The third reality check got me thinking about progress and how intolerable I used to find that word. I used to hate the concept of things not being completed or just right, I fought so hard and endlessly to have everything in my life, art and existence perfect and correct that I burnt my body out and missed so much of the spontaneity and beauty that life has to offer.
Learning to live a life in progress is something I believe God has called me to do and because he is so kind he has communicated this to me starting with my creativity and purpose first, the place he knows I'm most likely to listen. He has demonstrated how to partner with the Holy Spirits guiding by leading me into an unfamiliar territory creatively unleashing a greater joy than I ever experienced trying to be an artist on my own. It has not been easy but especially in the last 6 months he has brought more victories and mountain top moments than I ever thought possible. The flip side of this is the falling into pit and ego busting moments have been much bigger too. I've had more rejections than ever since I started following his will.
But, like the menu choices, when I've stepped out into where feels comfortable I've experience a lot more flavours and have more stories to tell. God is gradually taking me off menu and into a new way of living, one that comes with more blows, but much more euphoria also.
And because he's just that good, he works all the challenges and pain out for his glory and my good anyway. Nothing is wasted.
So yes, I get a lot of rejections from projects or residencies these days, but I also get 1st place competition wins and new contracts to work in hospitals as well as more exhibitions and prison work. It's harder but it's better.
I want to encourage you if you're like me and know your creativity is part of your purpose but are scared to pursue it fully, lay that anxiety a the feet of Jesus and allow him to show you where to step.
Order something new, try that strange sounding starter or weird flavour combination dessert.
No matter how it turns out, it's a first step to trying. You won't regret it.
See you next week, Cath x
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