~ God told me to be an artist, week 81.
Friday 26th July 2024.
After writing about rejection last week, I hoped that I may get the chance to speak on a different subject this week but, I received more. Other organisations sending me the ‘thanks but no thanks’ and ‘your application was good, but others just fit better’ emails.
As I mentioned in my last journal entry, I’ve gotten better at taking the hits, my capacity has grown to tolerate it. I can logically talk myself down to accepting the ‘no’s’ because ultimately I know it doesn’t speak to my value and it’s always an opportunity to grow, especially when it includes receiving feedback.
This has been my pattern for a few years. I'm good at bouncing back, I’ve strengthened the muscle.
Well so I thought.
For some reason the rejections that followed last week’s entry poked a little deeper. They actually really really hurt.
At first I was a bit surprised when the ‘ouch’ didn’t subside in my usual bounce-back rate. A few hours past, still hurt, a few days past and still, I was hurt.
Usually within the day of receiving a ‘no’ I can breathe through it and remind myself that I’m strong and that I can keep going.
It’s almost a reflex at this point. I know it’s part of the territory of the path I’m on and my personality enjoys jumping into new things, so it works.
But this week, the exhaustion of it all just felt a bit heavier. I couldn’t just breathe through it. Even as I write this to you I am using a lot more energy than usual to stay upright.
The reflexes, the deep breathing, the reminders and mantras to myself just aren’t cutting it.
I can’t seem to shake this weight off.
The pile of ‘no thanks’ I’m sitting on right now honestly just feels crap and ultimately just super disheartening. Much more than usual.
Over the past few days, I’ve found myself re reading a statement from a piece of feedback I received. It told me my work was clear and well-articulated, but others were clearer. As much as I deeply appreciate receiving feedback I found myself wondering, but how do I improve on that? How can I use this to grow, ‘clear but not as clear’?
So, here I am just a bit unsure about it all, not knowing what to actually do or say in the next few lines of this journal even.
It’s a humble, open and transparent moment, I honestly don’t know what to do. Some of the projects I’ve pitched I really want to do so maybe I just let the mourning process for the funded versions pass and then think about ways I can do them anyway? self funded?
*Sighs in why is it so hard to fund art*
Maybe that’s it. It’s just letting this longer period of schlump, pass.
Just give myself a little time to swim back up to the surface.
Just a bit more time.
Perhaps it’s okay that this series of ‘no’s’ in a row just knocked the wind out of my sails a little bit more than usual.
I know it will pass, everything does, and until then maybe I just bolster myself with kindness and make sure I'm around lovely people till I am feeling strong again.
Because I know that will come back too. God always steps in the gap and lifts my head when I'm not feeling strong enough.
Some things just take longer than expected. I’m not a robot, not every version of an event is or can be managed the same way. To be human is to the experience the variability of being alive, so I guess I allow my heart, head and body time to catch up with each other.
Even as I write this out I’m not sure about a lot of things, all I know is what I’ve always known, ‘this can’t be the thing that takes me out.’
It just can’t.
I’ll just sit here a minute knowing that in a short while I’ll be able to move again and breathe out ‘onward’ as I go.
Some weeks just aren't as inspiring, they're just human.
See you next Saturday, Cath x
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