~ God told me to be an artist, week 10
Friday 10th February.
This has been a weird week, a really weird week. There have been moments of extreme joy, frustration, sleep deprivation, too much sleep, fear, and hysteria. It's been everything, but strangely I've not felt overwhelmed or particularly heightened in my feelings, it's all been a bit of a blur.
I've felt fairly discombobulated by it all, like I'm in a pretty consistent daze. It's not bad per say, but it's not that comfortable either. It's as if I can't decide up how to feel, each time I'm about to drift into a state of mind I'm redirected. Like I said, it's been weird!
One thing I know I've felt this week, as per usual, is concern about my finances. Being full time self employed, especially in the early years is saying yes to a consistent feeling of worry about making enough money to live. Unless you're one of those super humans who can set that fear aside. Alas, I am not one of those people.
However, in this weird week there have been so many reminders and encouragements to not worry about what feels impossible. Each time my financial worries arose, they didn't last all that long. It's as if every time I stepped towards worry, the path ahead was lifted and I was sent another way. With this redirection, phrases have been rattling around my brain...
...I will provide abundantly
...keep going, it's almost time
...just a little further
...the miracle is almost here
...this is going to work
So many phrases I cannot count. All versions of the same thing...do not worry.
Now I don't know about you but I tend to doubt signs when they are consistent. I can accept them when they are fleeting, or vague, it's hard to explain. I've mentioned before that when something feels as if it's about to happen I can get excited but I can also keep a safe distance from it, I can tolerate the idea that something good will happen in a general, non-specific sense. But, when I start to here phrases that specifically speak to projects, ideas or provision in an extremely definitive way I start to get worried. The fear of success starts to set in properly and I begin to spiral.
I introduce my own phrases:
...how am I going to mess this up?
...why would it work out?
...I don't deserve this
...I'm making this up
...Is this the devil tricking me
...it's selfish for me to want this
I try to find ways to undo the conformation of blessing. I find it hard to trust that these encouragements are real. It all starts to feel much too possible and something in me simply cannot tolerate it.
It is so weird! Sorry I've said that word so many times, it's the only one that seems to suit what's going on!
Why would I feel afraid of things actually working out? I think it's a vulnerability thing. I've taken a lot of risks in recent years, stepped out into things that have been wildly out of my control. I've put my reputation on the line, something that used to feel like everything to me, worrying about how people might perceive me badly if I mess this up, or if it fails. My perfectionism is being shook to it's core in this process of transition. I'm being challenged to step out afraid, into an uncertain future, I have to surrender control and open myself up to the possibility of failure.
Now, for a perfectionist, whether in recovery or not, this is unbearable territory! But, I remind myself every day, I am in recovery, the process of which requires a shift, discomfort and readjusted focus on the path to healing.
So why are these encouragements that I feel in my spirit feel so intolerable? Wouldn't I be excited to receive such specific, comforting messages speaking directly to my situation and concerns?
These questions are whirring round and around my mind, why am I not encouraged by these words? Or why do they calm me down only momentarily before I start to reject them and worry again?
Honestly, aside from speculating it's a fear of succeeding or of stewarding God's purpose for my life badly, I can't fully answer why I'm feeling this way. This is a week where I can't wrap everything up in a big bow. It's a strange headspace I'm in right now. I don't fully comprehend it.
The truth is these whispers in my spirit could be right.
It could be the Holy Spirit coming alongside me and reminding me who's in control and who is guiding me.
It could be communications from He who created me confirming that I am heading in the right direction and that He will provide for all my needs.
It could even be God showing me glimpses of what is to come and that his purpose for my life is not a selfish dream, it's actually visions of the future and that everything will slot into it's place for my good and His glory.
It could be.
Perhaps if that still feels too big to accept maybe I need to try living in 'the potential'. Instead of rejecting the possibility that a miracle really is about to arrive I could simply inhabit the place that acknowledges that it could. Maybe this is the right step towards believing the voice inside?
There is a part of me that believes, it's just smaller than the negative voice that cannot fathom it. Maybe this season is an invitation to learning how to encourage this quiet voice to speak up and hold it's own in the face of my unbelief?
I guess we'll have to see.
God, I want to believe you, please help me to.
Okay, I'm going to challenge myself. I'm going to try believing in just one of the promises I can hear inside. I'm going to choose to work on believing that provision is on the way. I'm going to keep doing my bit, completing the tasks I believe I have been asked to do and say to myself every day, 'provision is on the way'.
Hand on heart, eyes closed, spirit engaged, 'provision is on the way'.
I wonder what will happen on the other side of believing this.
If I know God at all, I bet it's nothing like I could every imagine, it'll surprise me and it'll be what's best for me and his purpose as opposed to what I may want or think is right.
Want to try it with me? Want to believe the whispers in your heart?
Let's give it a try.
See you next week, Cath x
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